Posting feedback for pages 6 and 7. It's nice that Maia
finally found peace in the end....
Anyway, feedback.
Page 6:
Since you previously stated that referring to DF as a female is accidental, I spotted this: "...also realized that she was powerless...."
"...let if happen to me..." "if" should be "it"
"vocal organs" I assume you mean vocal chords- this appears to be a tip-of-the-tongue moment.
"The captain was completely possessed" missing ending punctuation; it almost appears that it may work better integrated into the previous sentence.
"...to gather all his forces." The princess is a female, not male.
"...his eyes shot." Huh? Do you mean bloodshot, or fixated on Maia, or nonfunctional? I'm unsure.
"he hit reopened partially the man's...." I've only basic first aid training, but I think that rescue breaths would be more appropriate treatment in this situation- I haven't heard of physical force reversing minor Tracheobronchial injury, but given that it's relatively minor, a temporary increase in internal air pressure might causing it to reopen enough to support breathing, with Dyspnea being the most overt symptom, rather than weak breathing.
On page 7... "...of the purest silk and cotton." Interesting combination of materials- I'd think that silk and satin would be more likely, given her royal heritage; based on the history of cotton and the likely state of civilization in PSIII, cotton may be uncommon in some areas, but would likely not be considered to be exotic enough for royal use at this point.
Since this appears to be the end of the story, I'll sum up my overall thoughts now. Excellent plot, quite dark, absolutely astounding evil from Dark Force, overall a great story. On the weak side is my typical complaint about polish, but geez, what a plot! I also find Maia's psychology to be an interesting point to call out especially. She went through a correct sequence of events for someone under extreme duress, and you showed this quite well- even down to the point where she not only evaded Stockholm's, which would be a genuine risk in that situation, but she also held her morals despite all of the clear punishments for her resistance. This ties into the
Milgram Experiment, which was about how a higher authority can cause a person to ignore their own ethics- only about 35 percent of the people who were involved in the test refused to go to the highest punishment for their victim. It takes an extraordinary person to resist the force from Dark Force, especially for such an extended period.
Excellent work, tili.