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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, '11, 12:15 am 
Hello,

This topic is for reviews of Tainted by Evil by tilinelson2. You may use this topic to let tilinelson2 know what you think of this work. When commenting, try to go into detail about what you enjoyed or thought could be improved. Both praise and constructive criticism are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive criticisms.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of Tainted by Evil. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Thanks,
Thoul


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, '11, 1:20 am 
Interesting story so far, indeed, one of the scariest things is to be aware of your surroundings, yet still be unable to control yourself, especially when you're committing actions that you would never approve of. Can't wait for more!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, '11, 1:26 am 
Poor Maia, she can never catch a break in your stories. :wink:

Off to another good start, it's the familiar story that we all know and love, but there's still an air of mystery about it. I'm curious to see how far into the game's events you're going to carry this idea. It also seems that you're setting up how Maia got to Landen, which is always an interesting topic.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, '11, 1:17 am 
Updating in response to page 3 being added. I noticed the following things:
"After walking some miles....", "She had to wait the evil....", and in a few other spots, you could've added a preposition to tie the sentences together, although the importance varies a bit- I forgot to record all the cases I spotted.

"It doesn't matter what she does to me...." There was no indication that Maia knew the gender or name of the entity controlling her.

"...she involuntarily cast healing...." This is correct, but I think "subconsciously" would better reflect the situation depicted.

Overall, however, excellent story.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, '11, 4:03 am 
Updating for page 4. Firstly, I didn't say anything earlier since I wasn't sure if I was misinterpreting in page 3, but brain damage is generally permanent. Are you actually referring to her mind here?

Secondly, I think that the ending quote was starting to edge kinda close to melodrama- yeah, I know DF is evil, but she's also calculating, too. I don't think it'll say something so blatant about its desires since it wouldn't increase Maia's suffering that much.

I get the feeling you're leading up to something, but you've covered your tracks well enough that I can't reliably guess what's gonna happen next- unpredictability is a positive trait in this circumstance, as I'm hungering for more.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, '11, 1:19 pm 
@carlsojos: Thanks for pointing me the incorrect use of "she". I tried to avoid that, but as we know the traditional gender of this evil force, sometimes I commit unconscious mistakes.

I think you misinterpreted the last quote, as it was an internal DF thought, not her talking to the princess. As for the brain damage, it is generally permanent, but people generally are unable to cast healing techniques in real life as well ;)

@everybody: Thanks for reading my fanfic. Soon new chapters will pop-up.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, '11, 1:50 pm 
Oooh, I meant to comment on that. I thought I saw "she" used more than once when referring to the evil entity, so I thought it was intentional, which would have been an interesting twist.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, '11, 4:45 am 
The plot continues to thicken as I finish page 5. I actually caught a couple things that could use a touch of attention this time, tili.

"...tell me where did you take...." This sentence is built weird, using 2 independent clauses. I suggest either making the one clause dependent ("...tell me where you took...."), or separate the two ("...tell me: where did you take....").

"would capture of sink any" "of" should be "or".

For the records, I find it interesting how the sailors refused to relent. It has been shown that torture, or the threat of it, can cause some people (admittedly, not all) to admit to a crime that didn't occur, to stop it.(I'm too lazy to spoiler only the pertinent part this time.) I suspect you have a plan in play right now involving them, so I won't suggest any adjustments at this time.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, '11, 9:52 pm 
Posting feedback for pages 6 and 7. It's nice that Maia finally found peace in the end....

Anyway, feedback.
Page 6:
Since you previously stated that referring to DF as a female is accidental, I spotted this: "...also realized that she was powerless...."

"...let if happen to me..." "if" should be "it"

"vocal organs" I assume you mean vocal chords- this appears to be a tip-of-the-tongue moment.

"The captain was completely possessed" missing ending punctuation; it almost appears that it may work better integrated into the previous sentence.

"...to gather all his forces." The princess is a female, not male.

"...his eyes shot." Huh? Do you mean bloodshot, or fixated on Maia, or nonfunctional? I'm unsure.

[Reveal] Spoiler: Warning: Medical rant
"he hit reopened partially the man's...." I've only basic first aid training, but I think that rescue breaths would be more appropriate treatment in this situation- I haven't heard of physical force reversing minor Tracheobronchial injury, but given that it's relatively minor, a temporary increase in internal air pressure might causing it to reopen enough to support breathing, with Dyspnea being the most overt symptom, rather than weak breathing.


On page 7... "...of the purest silk and cotton." Interesting combination of materials- I'd think that silk and satin would be more likely, given her royal heritage; based on the history of cotton and the likely state of civilization in PSIII, cotton may be uncommon in some areas, but would likely not be considered to be exotic enough for royal use at this point.

Since this appears to be the end of the story, I'll sum up my overall thoughts now. Excellent plot, quite dark, absolutely astounding evil from Dark Force, overall a great story. On the weak side is my typical complaint about polish, but geez, what a plot! I also find Maia's psychology to be an interesting point to call out especially. She went through a correct sequence of events for someone under extreme duress, and you showed this quite well- even down to the point where she not only evaded Stockholm's, which would be a genuine risk in that situation, but she also held her morals despite all of the clear punishments for her resistance. This ties into the Milgram Experiment, which was about how a higher authority can cause a person to ignore their own ethics- only about 35 percent of the people who were involved in the test refused to go to the highest punishment for their victim. It takes an extraordinary person to resist the force from Dark Force, especially for such an extended period.

Excellent work, tili.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, '11, 6:52 pm 
Okay, read the entire story in a single sitting. The story works as an explanation as to how Maia (Marlena) got to Landen. The idea of the Dark Force possessing early on is an interesting one. I also enjoy how strong Maia's character is, despite the torment she goes through.

That said, I think the story could've been a bit shorter, especially the two longer chapters. There's enough repetition in the dialogue that you could've easily chopped a couple of pages from the final story. I also think that the captain trying to force himself on Maia doesn't carry the same weight as it did in Anna's backstory (I felt the same way about a similar incident in "The Mad Telemental").


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