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PostPosted: Wed Jun 1, '11, 8:19 pm 
Hello,

You may use this topic to share your thoughts regarding The Savage Silence (An EOTA story) by H-Man. When reviewing, try to go into detail about what you enjoy or feel could be improved in The Savage Silence (An EOTA story). Both praise and constructive criticism intended to help H-Man in future endeavors are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive comments.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of The Savage Silence (An EOTA story). If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Thanks,
Fringes of Algo Staff


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, '11, 6:04 am 
Read all 3 chapters of this story this evening and enjoyed it very much. Lots of action which was very interesting. It is always enjoyable to read about Corg, although this Corg was a bit different than the Corg we have previously read about here and which we may be a bit more familiar with.

Enjoyed reading about Corg's friends, Dee and Carmen, and Corg's Father also.

This story was sad in some ways reading how Corg has suffered from the abuse and unfriendliness of some of his younger friends or acquaintances, and how that has affected his life even years later.

The premise of Corg being able to use the locustas effects, etc., was unique and unusual and added a very intriguing aspect to the story. It will be interesting to see if there will be more to this with Corg in future stories, etc.

I did notice several instances where more proofreading could possibly be needed to help further clarify some aspects of the story and I have made mention of some of those instances below with some possible suggestions that I hope may be helpful:

Chapter 1

In the paragraph..."Corg’s dad laughed out loud at what he saw. Corg reacted differently: without realizing it, he felt three of fingers—his middle, ring, and pinkie fingers—curl up against the palm of his hand."

(Note: "three of fingers" doesn't sound right. Perhaps "three of his fingers" might sound better.)
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In the paragraph..."In a couple of moments, the program went on to discuss the mosquito waspy family and the diseases that they carried. Felk continued watching with rapt attention, although his hands now reverted back to the imitation locusta claws that hey taken before."

(Note: Felk ??? Did you mean Corg??? Also, "that hey taken" might sound better as "that they had taken".)
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Chapter 2

In the paragraph..."Corg walked glumly over to the corner of the room where the boxes of old books were. His shift wouldn’t begin for another five minutes, the same time when Carmen and Dee would finish theirs. He browsed through the titles, looking for something interesting transcribe today; he had finished last transcription the previous day. He picked up a book titled Reflections in an Unblinking Eye and started thumbing through it."

(Note: "interesting transcribe today" might sound better as "interesting to transcribe today", and "he had finished last
transcription" might sound better as "he had finished the last transcription".)
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In the paragraph..."Corg walked over to his terminal and noticed that the monitor hadn’t switched on yet. “What the heck? Gaa! Stupid wires and cords are tangled up again. Everyone is using wireless technology and here were are, working with crappy powers supplies and crouching under tables to sort these stupid things out. You get the impression that the university doesn’t really give a flying leap off a tall building about this project, do they?”

(Note: "here were are" might sound better as "here we are".)
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In the paragraph....“Thanks, Carmen,” scolded Corg in a monotone. “If I dream about an interracial affair a between a Palman and Motavian, I’m going to blame you.”

(Note: "affair a between a" has too many "a"'s in the sentence.)

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In the paragraph..."On that note, Carmen slid her ID card through the reader. The door slid open, revealing a museum that was no practically pitch black. The two girls disappeared into the darkness and soon the door closed again, leaving Corg alone."

(Note: "was no practically pitch black" is not clear.)
-------------------

Chapter 3

In the paragraph..."Corg got up from his seat; the tedium of typing a text for almost thirty minutes straight was too much for him. His stuck on the age-old philosophical question of how Dee could do this work as efficiently as she did stuck in his mind as he walked over to the water dispenser in a vain attempt to wash away the tedium and continue typing. Corg wondered how a book about the android apocalypse could be so unexciting, but Reflections in an Unblinking Eye was determined to show him that it was possible."

(Note: "His stuck on the age-old philosophical question of how Dee could do this work as efficiently as she did stuck in his mind...". This sentence could perhaps be a little clearer..."stuck" is used twice perhaps causing some confusion.)

----------------------
In the paragragh..."Suddenly, one of the robbers, a fellow with a goatee, spotted Corg peeking out from around the corner. The man yelled at the others to stop and pointed in Corg’s direction. The man with the goatee and two of the others, a blue-haired guy with a mustache that went out of style years ago and a guy with spiky orange hair, pulled out guns and aimed them in Corg’s direction. Corg switched out of panic mode and went in survival mode, quickly running back to the room he worked before any of the three could draw a bead on him."

(Note: "the room he worked" may sound clearer as "the room where he worked".)

---------------------
In the paragraph...."His freckled forehead becoming moist with sweat, Corg looked around the room for a place to hide. Suddenly, his vision began to grow hazy and as if somebody had slipped a pair of lens over his eyes, everything around him took on a faint red glint. His fear left him and he calmly turned off the lights, ignoring the sound on the other of the door…the sound of somebody passing a card through the reader."

(Note: "sound on the other of the door" may sound clearer as "sound on the other side of the door".)

-----------------------
In the paragraph...."The goateed man entered the now darkened room. He calmly felt along the wall with his right hand, looking for a switch. Ah, there it is, he thought. Hitting the red button near the switch, the room soon was flood with an eerie yellowish light. A brief scan revealed that the room was empty, but the man with the goatee was not convinced. He quietly reached down and changed the setting on his gun to the highest level of “STUN”: a shot directly to the head would come with enough force to not only stun the witness, but probably damage his brain enough that he wouldn’t remember what it
was that he had seen."

(Note: "the room soon was flood" may sound clearer as "the room soon was flooded".)

------------------
In the paragraph: "The man with the goatee moved silently through the room, looking at all of the nooks and crannies near the ceiling and opening the doors to all of the little closets that were full of nothing but books. Occasionally, he kneel down and look under a table to see if the witness was double enough to corner himself in such a classic way."

(Note: "he kneel down and look" possibly sounds clearer as "he knelt down and looked".)

-----------------
In the paragraph..."Ready to fire on the perpetrator the moment he faced him, the man with the goatee knelt down in front of the terminal. Before he could fire, however, two blurry objects that looked like fingers struck him in the hand held the gun, right between the thumb and index finger, and in his eye. The man dropped the gun immediately and rubbed in his eye with his other hand."

(Note: "struck him in the hand held the gun" could be clearer.)

---------------
In the paragraph..."A young boy, about 18 years old, tumbled out from under the terminal and stared at the man. The boy’s freckly face was now a deep shade of red and his eyes were narrowed to the point that he almost looked asleep. His hand were curled up into a fist, except for his index and middle fingers, which were extended and slightly bent. His entire body undulated in a rhythmic, snake-like fashion."

(Note: "His hand were curled up" needs to be clearer. If talking about one hand, then "hand was curled" sounds good. If talking about both hands then "hands were curled" sounds good.

----------------------
In the paragraph...."A searing pain went through the man’s right hand and then, without warning, went completely numb. His eye also began to throb and his vision became blurry. As the throbbing grew stronger, the truth became clear: his eye had swollen shut."

(Note: Sentence is not clear as to what went numb..the pain or his hand??? May sound clearer as "his hand went completely
numb".)

------------------
In the paragraph...."Suddenly, the boy lifted up one his legs and began to shake it violently. The leg moved with so much flexibility that the man with the goatee thought that it had been completely dislocated at the knee. The man stood there, mesmerized by the random, hypnotic movements of his leg. His judgment told him to make a run for the door and have the others take care of the boy, but his eyes never left the strange movements the young boy made with his rubbery leg."

(Note: "lifted up one his legs" sounds better as "lifted up one of his legs". Also, "The man stood there, mesmerized by the random, hypnotic movements of his leg" sounds as if it is talking about the man's leg and it should be clearer that it is talking about the boys leg instead.

-------------------
In the paragraph..."Corg stood atop the quickly-breaking table, his posture low, one leg extended far behind him, and his arms bent in front of him with only his index finger sticking out. He swayed his body back and forth, watching the two smaller men scramble to their feet. The man-mountain stood behind them, his mouth agape at the show of force he had just witnessed. The huge man removed what looked like the haft of a sword from his belt, only that the haft had no blade whatsoever. Squinting his eyes, Corg noticed a button on the haft near the man’s the thumb. It became clear to Corg that the man was about to use a photon blade on him."

(Note: "haft near the man's the thumb" sounds better without a second "the" making it "haft near the man's thumb".)

-----------------------
In the paragraph...."Corg turned and saw the other two men stumbling over to where their guns had fallen. Corg ran over to
them and, grabbing the blue-haired man’s leg with his index fingers, swung him across the room. The mustached man flew in a glass case full of old axes. The glass shattered into hundreds of razor-sharp shards, lacerating part of the man’s body on his way down. The violent destruction of the glass casing triggered the centuries-old alarm system and soon the loud blare of klaxon signals echoed throughout museum."

(Note: "man flew in a glass case" could sound better as "man flew into a glass case" or even "Man landed in a glass case", or "man fell into a glass case".)

----------------------
In the paragraph...."Turning his attention the lead thief, Corg lashed out with his locusta-like claws and knocked the gun out of his hand a second time. The man then started throwing numerous haymaker punches at Corg, but the young man ducked and dodged all of them. He then shot back with a powerful blow with his finger to the man’s face, leaving a dark violet gash across the man’s cheek. The man’s eyes widened with pain and surprise, but only reacted with more angrily-thrown punches."

(Note: "Turning his attention the lead thief" is not clear and may sound better along the lines of "Turning his attention to the lead thief", or even "Turning his attention on the lead thief".)

--------------
In the paragraph..."One of the punches struck Corg in the mouth, and the boy felt his tongue being bathed in some warm fluid. The man’s next blow, however, was not so lucky. Corg parried the blow and latched onto the man’s wrist with his claw-like grip pulled the man forward, sweeping the man’s legs out from under him with his own in such a way the orange-haired thief dived face-first to the ground."

(Note: Needs clarification "Corg parried the blow and latched onto the man's wrist with his claw-like grip pulled the man forward" could be "he pulled", or "pulling", or perhaps even some comma's would be helpful here.)

-------------------
In the paragraph..."Corg was about to pounce on the man when a powerful kick to his stomach send him sprawling to the ground. It was the man-mountain again, who looked none the worse for wear. Before Corg could get his defenses up, the hulk grabbed Corg by his head and began smashing it into the numerous glass fixtures inside the room. The tickling feeling of streams of musty-smelling sweat, or so Corg thought, made him forget the splitting headache he now had. He struggled to wiggle his way out of the man’s grip, but large thief was too strong to let go out without a fight."

(Note: "but large thief" may sound clearer as "but the large thief". Also, "to let go out without a fight" may sound clearer as
"to go out without a fight".)

-------------------
In the paragraph..."Then it came to him: Corg heard a sinister hissing sound in his ears. His relaxed for a moment, and then took on the form of the Poisoner fang-technique he had disabled the first thief with. Corg jumped up and wrapped his legs around the man-mountain’s torso and started savage jabbing and gouging the man’s arm with his two-fingered Poisoner strike. Corg struck ruthlessly at the nerves and blood vessels in the man’s enormous muscular arm. The man let out several groans, letting go of Corg’s head, as his arm now slowly turned several shades of black."

(Note: "His relaxed for a moment" needs some clarification...what relaxed?? Also, "his arm now slowly turned several shades of black" needs clarification as to whose arm...one suggestion might be to say "as the man's arm now slowly turned several shades of black".)

--------------------
In the paragraph..."Images began flashing in Corg’s mind: Corg saw the image of a locusta’s bone-crushing mandibles rip remorselessly into a fire ant’s exoskeleton as if it were made of paper. Corg quickly pulled his elbows against his rib cage. He struck the man in both of his temples with the blades of his hands. The man continued his quest to get his sword back. Corg did it again, tensing his body up as much as possible at the moment of impact. The man staggered several steps
to the side, but soon regained composure. Corg finally struck his temples a third time, his mind filling up with the images of the locusta once again tearing its prey to pieces. This time, the man tumbled forward and collapsed."

(Note: "Corg did it again, in both of his temples with the blades of his hands." could use some clarification. Possibly something like "Corg struck the man again".)

----------------
In the paragraph...."Corg pulled himself to his feet and began breathing heavily. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and, to his horror, found that his hand was now red with his own blood. As Corg came to realization that he was bleeding profusely all over his body, he felt a round metal object be shoved against his temple. It was the man with the orange hair, pointing the stun ray directly at his head"

(Note: "came to realization" may sound clearer as "came to the realization". Also, "be shoved against his temple" may sound clearer as "being shoved".

--------------
In the paragraph...."Corg remained silent. In fact, few of the man’s words entered into his mind. The only that Corg heard was the distant echo of a terakite’s unearthly shriek in his mind’s ear."

(Note: "only that Corg heard" sounds clearer as "only sound that Corg heard" or similar words to that effect.)

----------------
In the paragraph..."Corg slammed his knee in the man’s stomach, nearly knocking wind out of him. He then proceed to smash his face into a wall several more times, nearly reducing his face to a bloody pulp."

(Note: "He then proceed to" sounds better as "He then proceeded to".)

----------------
In the paragraph..."The reached a large room near their workplace that looked like a complete warzone. Most of the glass cases had been smashed and large, threatening pieces of broken glass littered the floor. Lying on the ground were the unconscious bodies of four men, none of whom Dee or Carmen had ever seen in the museum before. They also noted the presence of what looked like weapons, laser guns, maybe, on the ground near them. The guardians ran past the two girls to neutralize the would-be crooks before they woke up."

(Note: "The reached a large room near their workplace" might be "They reached a large room near their workplace.
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