by Snorb » Wed Dec 10, '14, 6:17 am
(Warning: A whole bunch of complaining about unnecessary continuity reboots here.)
I understand that Robert Carlyle and SIRRRR Patrick Stewart do some fine voice acting in the Lords of Shadow series, but here's the lament I have about these games.
I am never ever ever going to play a single game in the Lords of Shadow continuity.Like, ever, to quote the perpetually beautiful Taylor Swift.
Lords of Shadow is a continuity reboot.
That means that any and all interest you may have had in the Belmont saga ever since Leon Belmont decided Matthias Cronqvist really needed to die one fine day back in... some year that started with "Eleven Hundred" has officially died and gone to hell. We will never get any closure on Juste Belmont and Lydie Elranger's possible relationship (considering Richter Belmont's his grandson, they probably got married), we never get any kind of hint as to what happened to Simon Belmont (considering Juste Belmont is his grandson, Simon probably had a normal life after killing Dracula twice), we never get any kind of "what now?" for Soma Cruz (considering he's quite literally Dracula But A Good Guy Now, and his implied love interest Mina is equally implied to be a reincarnation of Elisabetha Cronqvist whose death started this whole series he's probably got a good ending ahead of him.), and most damningly of all, we will never, ever, ever get to see a video game taking place in 1999 where Julius Belmont sends Dracula a one-way ticket to the seventh circle of the only place worse than Hell (Staten Island.)
Instead, we get to focus on some other Belmont, Gabriel Belmont. Who, in this continuity, is Trevor Belmont's father and Simon Belmont's grandfather. And Simon gets to be born in 1067. All those games that happened before don't happen now, because...
The Character Assassination of the Belmont Clan By the Coward Konami
Let's not mince words here. Gabriel Belmont has a really bad day in Lords of Shadow, despite getting to hang out with Captain Jean-Luc Picard (or if you're younger, Professor Charles Xavier) culminating with him killing his own wife while possessed by a cursed mask, followed by God refusing to save her. Belmonts have lost loved ones before; Sara Trantoul's near vampirization in Lament of Innocence, followed by her sacrifice, transformed Leon Belmont's chain whip into the Vampire Killer, which is THE iconic Castlevania weapon. Leon promises that his clan will fight Dracula every time he ever shows his face around Transylvania ever again.
Gabriel Belmont's reaction to God saying "noep ur waifu's still dead lolz" is "EU SUNT DRACUL," and he randomly decides he's going to be Dracula.
.....Yeah.
Look, I'm all for trying new things in continuity, but... no, Dracula getting beaten like a gong by (Leon/Sonia/Trevor/Simon/Juste/Richter/Julius) Belmont every hundred years like clockwork is A Thing in the Castlevania series. Belmonts are supposed to have their crap together; Gabriel's supposed to be the morning light come to vanquish the terrible darkness, not randomly fall to the dark side even faster and more clumsily than Anakin Skywalker did.
But you wait, phans! To quote Russian history, "It gets worse."
Y'see, Trevor Belmont is Gabriel's son in the Lords of Shadow universe. He marries Sypha just like in Castlevania III, they have a son named Simon (well, grandson in the actual good Castlevania continuity.) Trevor grows up never knowing his father Gabriel because, well, eu sunt dracul, r'yleh Cthulhu f'hagn, ia! Ia!, &c., and Trevor's a boss battle in Mirror of Fate.
Gabriel kills Trevor, finds out who Trevor is after the fact, vampirizes him.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will find that Adrian Fahrenheit Tepes has been understudied in the role of Alucard by one Trevor Belmont, also an impostor.
The two ultimately team up in Lords of Shadow 2 to kill Satan. (Yes, that Satan.)
But wait! It gets even more Russian history! Y'see, six years after Simon Belmont's birth and Trevor Belmont's death/WISE FWOM YOU GWAVEing, Sypha Belnades died of gangreneDracula's forces. (A pause while I lament the apparent disappearance of the Font= BBCode tag.) Because both of Simon's parents are dead, Simon literally gets raised by the mountain folk.
The Practical Reason I Will Never Play These Perceived Desecrations of Castlevania
Video games cost money, and I don't really have much at the moment. Besides, Konami really needs to be working on Gradius VI or a new Ganbare Goemon game at the moment =p
On the other hand, Lords of Shadow 2 has Dracula say Symphony of the Night's infamous "What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets!" and "Enough talk-- have at you!" in complete seriousness, so I guess that's a plus.
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Well, excuse me while I defy all laws of logic and common sense and do it anyway.