by tilinelson2 » Wed Apr 4, '12, 2:33 am
Well, I usually review stories when they are complete. And, if I'm not mistaken, your story is not complete. However, as you are a newcomer, I decided to give my thoughts.
Your story has interesting characters, and, until now, it was a good argument. I don't know yet what will happen, but it surely was enough to keep me interested.
However, on the style department, it looks nothing like a regular story. I know it is boring to do that, but maybe you should take your time to take advantage of the use of paragraphs to separate ideas. Besides, it is extremely advised to follow the rule of one person talking per paragraph.
Another advice I'd give you is that you slow down a bit. You often seem to be in a rush to tell what is happening, and you neglect some important aspects of stories, like descriptions, and minor actions. They help a lot making your narrative clearer, and more pleasurable to read.
So, you have the most important thing, that is a plot, but don't overlook the other aspects, in order to transform a good tale in a great story. My older stories were not very good as well, and now I know how important it is to waste my time with structuring my writings. So, I'm just giving you the advice which was given to me in the past, and I hope you don't take it as a criticism, but as a help.
A person only sees and hears what he wants to see and hear and disregards the rest.