by Silver_Surfer1 » Thu Jun 16, '11, 1:28 am
I had some free time and decided to read this story again to refresh it in my mind. It is a very intriguing story and the character of Matt certainly captures your interest with his life story. Looking forward to reading more about him and his life in the future.
I also noticed a few things in the story as written so far that could probably use a bit more proofreading, etc., and I am listing those notations below for your consideration, etc.
Entry 1
In paragraph 1 ..."Mom and dad must have realized this when gave me money to move to Oriam in the apartment building Aunt Linda."
(Note: "when gave me" is missing a subject in the sentence and does not tell who gave...Might sound better as "when they gave me".)
(Note: "in the apartment building Aunt Linda"...did you mean "with" Aunt Linda??)
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In paragraph 1 ..."Uncle Martin should be here anytime soon".
(Note: "anytime soon" ....sounds like a contradiction of sorts. Is he coming anytime, or is he coming soon? Clarification might help.)
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In paragraph 4 ..."I know if she ever read this she'd beat my to a pulp."
(Note: "my" should probably be "me".)
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Entry 2
In paragraph 1..."After breakfast I'm going to head on out to I remember bits and pieces from a few visits as a child, but everything has that new feel to it."
(Note: "head on out to" .... head where?? Part of this sentence seems to be missing, and it seems to run into another sentence also.)
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In paragraph 3 ... "That icecream shop was closed down unfortunately, but it was replaced by a Corner Store that sells icecream."
(Note: "icecream" should probably be "ice cream" as it is generally thought of as two words. It is a shortened variation of "iced cream".)
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In paragraph 5 ..."Looks are probably better than mine and from what he told me, people treat him with respect."
(Note: Whose looks?? Could be clearer by saying "His looks" or "David's looks"??
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In paragraph 5 ..."Though, if David hasn't changed much, than I have a feeling he won't leave me alone."
(Note: "than" should probably be "then".
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