by carlsojos » Thu Apr 14, '11, 1:51 am
Tili has written a PSIV fanfic. Now on to weather, where Hell is reporting a massive snow storm on the horizon....
Anyway, this is an excellent story. I only detected one actual error, but I did use a lot of red ink.
"Of regrouping what had been left behind and keep on." This sentence rings a couple different bells for me. Firstly, I suggest changing the first half to "Of regrouping around what had been left behind...." or "Of gathering what had been left behind...."; I don't have much force behind this suggestion. The second half, I suggest "...and moving on."
"After all, he was not the great Lutz?" This, along with the next 3 sentences, I suggest transposing "he" and "was"- "After all, was he not the great Lutz?" is a more traditional form for this type of question.
"He could give a damn for what was happening and just keep whining about his problems." You're missing a negative here. "He could not give a damn...."
"The night was unusually hotter than he was used to." I'd drop "unusually".
(This is the only definite error)"...but she had advised them to...." He, not she.
"He know Chaz wanted to prove...." "He knows Chaz...."
"Rune depended on him to defeat the ultimate evil, but the two had a difficult relationship." I think you are using the wrong tense here, it currently suggests that this is a reflection from after the game, rather than immediately after the Psycho Wand. I recommend future tense for this exact sentence.
"All in all, the only responsible for that...." I think "one" should be added- "...only one responsible...."
Again, while this is a long list, it's only suggestions, and you did good with your use of stream of consciousness.
Last edited by
carlsojos on Thu Apr 14, '11, 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
In some stories, the princess is her own hero....