IV
Dr. Braudenhoff was in great stress, so he left his tired body fall in a chair. He was somewhat nervous and somewhat sad. He wanted to drink a lot and forget about everything. He wanted to sleep for many hours, but he couldn’t. He had something to prepare. But he felt a sudden chill in the spine only in thinking of what Histlenheimer said to him. He didn’t hate Histlenheimer, the two used to live at the same street when Braudenhoff was younger, so they knew themselves well. He just didn’t care for all those Third Reich things, like Eugenics and other stupid thoughts, but Histlenheimer insisted with him about the plans of the Führer. "Different thoughts, that was the problem". Although Histlenheimer used to give support to Dr. Braudenhoff activities, he sometimes put the doctor in difficult situations like this one.
So Dr. Braudenhoff was about to throw everything that was near him in the wall when he realized that the envelope the nurse had given him before was in his hands. He became curious and decided to open the envelope. It contained some records and documents of his new gift. Suddenly he became interested "Number ######, Stella R., born in 1927, Hungarian, Jewish, no apparent diseases, the historic since of her arrival in the camp and many other useless information. Stella. Stella… Stella…………….. Braudenhoff…" Then the doctor became ashamed of his thoughts and closed the documents. Of course he was touched by the beauty and the innocence of the Jewish girl, but it was like a dream, like an escape from the reality. First he didn’t know anything about her. Second he (and her too, of course) would be executed if he didn’t do what he was supposed to do. "What I am supposed to do? TO KILL STELLA? Damned people! Why do they oblige me to do this? WHY? WHY?" And he threw the envelope away, stood up and kicked the chair. "Demons, demons, demons. Oh no, why this, my God, why this? I can´t. I can´t'. He fell on his knees, with the hands in the face. "I caaaaan´t! I shall not. Noooooooooo!".
Dr. Braudenhoff was mad and upset, but anything in order to avoid his fate would be useless. So he decided to lie in the bed and take a nap, if it was possible. He was disturbed, but after some minutes fell asleep and dreamed about his sister being murdered. He woke up in panic, the heart beating fast. Then he realized it was just a dream and looked at the clock. It was five o’clock and he didn’t have eaten anything the whole day long. He slowly entered the bathroom, took a brief cold shower, trying to become alert. But the thing he should do next was the last thing that would encourage him. So he dressed his medical tunic, checked that the smell of flesh had already faded, ate a little sandwich and he was ready for The thing he should never have done.
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