Phantasy Star: Fringes of Algo

Hello,

This topic is for reviews of Into the Ocean, the fan fiction by Tsunami. You may use this topic to let Tsunami know what you think of this story. When commenting on the story, try to go into detail about what you enjoyed or thought could be improved. Both praise and constructive criticism are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive criticisms.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of Into the Ocean. If you would like to discuss another story, please do so in that story's review thread.

Thanks,
Thoul

Well, you have to admit Shir has a point. Chewing gum to breathe underwater sounds sort of dumb compared to wearing diving gear. Shir's a fun character to write though, of course I'm a bit biased since I RP as her.

Poor Nei, I don't know what's worse, getting killed by Nefirst or going through Climatrol. Speaking of which, how did Neifirst get in there to begin with?

Anyways, keep writing I want to read more.

Shinuzzo wrote:Well, you have to admit Shir has a point. Chewing gum to breathe underwater sounds sort of dumb compared to wearing diving gear. Shir's a fun character to write though, of course I'm a bit biased since I RP as her.

At first, I wasn't sure how to write her...but it just came to me, so I went with it. I do agree with you though, she is fun to write.

Poor Nei, I don't know what's worse, getting killed by Nefirst or going through Climatrol. Speaking of which, how did Neifirst get in there to begin with?

Anyways, keep writing I want to read more.

As for Nei, I wanted her to sense something, but she wouldn't be too sure of what it was.

Yeah, how is it that there's no PSII fan fiction! This'll get me back into reading again.

This is excellent! It's a great scene to start with since there's such a climactic event coming up. You did a nice job in a short space differentiating the characters from one another. The flow is good, and you gave proper time to the buildup of the act of diving in. This is definitely going in the right direction!

Thinking about the game.... how did Rudo's gun work underwater, how did Rolf swing his sword underwater, or Nei and her claws? I wonder... it seems Sega gives you complete freedom, Tsunami, as they never explained it.

The Komrade wrote:Yeah, how is it that there's no PSII fan fiction! This'll get me back into reading again.

Yes, there should definitely be some PSII fanfiction! We should ask Thoul if he has any stashed away.

This is excellent! It's a great scene to start with since there's such a climactic event coming up. You did a nice job in a short space differentiating the characters from one another. The flow is good, and you gave proper time to the buildup of the act of diving in. This is definitely going in the right direction!

Thanks, I wanted to try a new approach with this...and PSII leaves lots of room for imagination!

Thinking about the game.... how did Rudo's gun work underwater, how did Rolf swing his sword underwater, or Nei and her claws? I wonder... it seems Sega gives you complete freedom, Tsunami, as they never explained it.

I honestly have no clue...and I imagine that the enemies would have a hard time too. Either way, it doesn't seem too logical in my opinion, so I did leave that out for a few reasons. Hopefully it'll be fine without it, eh?

That's probably the best way to deal with the whole enemies underwater business... just skip it since it was pretty ridiculous in the game. They'd need something to hold them down to the ocean floor!

Anyway, nice job with this part too. Though I think you can put some extra description into the underwater journey, sights and sounds. I'm interested to see more about Nei, since she's the driving force at this point of the game. Keep it up!

The Komrade wrote:Anyway, nice job with this part too. Though I think you can put some extra description into the underwater journey, sights and sounds. I'm interested to see more about Nei, since she's the driving force at this point of the game. Keep it up!

Hmm...you think so? I'll see what I can do and edit it if I come up with something for improvements.

Yeah, it could enhance the ominous feelings you've created with the rest of the narrative. I don't think it would bog down the pace you've set.

Alright, I edited the last part. Added another paragraph and made a small change to another. I didn't want to overdo it, that's for sure.

Gonna add the next part...not as long as the others, but it's something.

That's a nice edit, you didn't overdo it, which is just as dangerous as not enough!

This new section is almost entirely dialogue-driven, which is just fine. All I have to offer in criticism is the same as the last, some more description of setting here wouldn't hurt. It's a humorous scene for anyone that's tried to go through Climatrol without a map... a nightmare of choosing where to go!