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PostPosted: Sat May 7, '11, 5:36 pm 
Well, I read this a few days ago but am only commenting on it now. I must suck in your eyes...I jest. So, let's hear my comments with regards to your "Counter-Corg" story (I also jest). To be honest, I'll avoid any comparisons with my stories and focus on your interpretation of it all.

I should start off by being honest and saying that I'm not a huge fan of your Mieu interpretation. I understand that you're not sticking to any possible "canonical" interpretation of her, but a cold cyborg/android and the fact that her greeting to "the stranger" is practically a death threat simply didn't sit well with me. She may warm up to him in later chapters, but I didn't care for the first impression.

You had some good descriptive writing in your fight scene. Very detailed and easy to picture what's happening.

Your interpretation of Gwyn seems interesting. I think some of the circumstances leading to her being the dark, sullen person she seems to be seem a bit contrived, but I can't judge her character in full until she shows up in later chapters.

Which leads me to the writing itself. In absolute terms, it's fine. There's one chapter where "murderer" is spelled "murdered," but I'm not really criticizing it because I make enough little mistakes of my own. I think "the stranger's" dialogue needs to be less stilted. It's often a bit top-heavy for a person from (presumably) our world to talk that way. I can understand Gwyn and Adan talking like that (par for the course for characters in a pseudo-Medieval/Sci-Fi setting), but the character from Earth should be a slight bit more organic. I think some of the writing is a bit too flowery, especially in chapter 3 (the first two chapters and the subsequent ones fare better in comparison).


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PostPosted: Sat May 7, '11, 5:40 pm 
Hey buddy, thanks for the reply.

You're right, don't see this as a counter-Corg story, it's not. This story HAS one purpose however: to allow me to draw a Gwyn that has never been seen before. I have no idea if this will work or not.

Ok, first things first: thank you very much for all the kind words, I am happy to read that you are enjoying what you are reading. Also, thank you for the typo-spotting.

Next: Your raised points.

I understand you will not like how I depict Mieu. I even thought about you when I built my story. I know you of all people share a very special relation with this character and I precisely don't want to use/steal "your" Mieu. I know that in the Japanese version she is much more alive, but I took the conscious decision of going with the American version and make her a machine, not a person. We'll see how this goes as it advances.

I knew you'd enjoy the fight scenes, part inspired by EOTA's Corg. Written from the perspective of a martial artist. I really enjoyed writing those and more will come, trust me.

Gwyn will be a complex character and will require several chapters to develop properly.

What do you mean by "stilted" dialogue? Google says the words means "artificially formal", is that what you meant? I think I understand what you mean. You think that the Stranger is from Earth? Interesting. I'll let the mystery stay for now.

I realize some of my writing is a bit... well flowery sounds right. I am eager to hear what other people think as well.

Thank you for this very well thought review. You have just given me writing fuel for another chapter!


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PostPosted: Sat May 7, '11, 10:36 pm 
I told you I'd have it done in two weeks, maximum (one week, actually).

Well, wherever the stranger was from, there was quite a bit of dialogue that had me saying to myself, "Are there people out there that speak this way?" I can understand his thoughts being expressed in a "poetic" manner, but when it gets into his speech, it comes across as being peculiar.

The truth is that not a whole lot has happened, event-wise, in the initial five chapters. Other than "the stranger," we really don't know the characters or even have the foggiest what the central conflict will be. That said, it's a bit early to judge very much of anything at all, beyond the main character and the style of writing itself.

Will review as further chapters are posted.


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PostPosted: Sat May 7, '11, 10:43 pm 
H-Man wrote:The truth is that not a whole lot has happened, event-wise, in the initial five chapters. Other than "the stranger," we really don't know the characters or even have the foggiest what the central conflict will be.


And this, my friend, is exactly what I intended. Nothing has been revealed so far and the story is precisely about that: explaining who the stranger is.

You have no idea how reading this pleases me. I reached my first goal: opacity.


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