by Tanith » Sat Aug 7, '10, 5:31 am
My apologies for taking so long to review this story. I'll echo Aeroprism's sentiment regarding Chinese folklore, only I'll apply it to Chinese cinema, since I haven't really read much of their literature. I've never cared much for Asian cinema, as I'm not a big fan of storylines being interrupted by so much kung-fu (I feel the same way about American musicals as I don't like breaking for singing and dancing), and I also don't care for how Asian movie-makers seem to go out of their way to ensure that romantic interests are doomed to never be together.
But enough of that. What you've presented is a very entertaining blend of unusual and effective storytelling and Phantasy Star characters. I especially loved the first half of the story; it's beautifully written and rich in its detail. I love your descriptions, like this one:
Her large brown eyes showed hints of a fiery disposition, but humble enough that he could tell she was not one of those materialistic city girls he always complained about.
Brilliant. (Though I would add "were still" or "remained" between "but" and "humble.")
However, I felt as though you lost some of that momentum during the second half, or the fight sequence. If you could think back to the way you wrote your scenes in the city and in Ru-Ne's home and apply some of it to the battle scene, I think it might flow a little better. Here's an example:
Ah Li was doing a good job of defending herself and striking back at the same time, while Cha-Zi was beginning to take hits from the Tigress, who scratched at his body with her tiger-like claws.
While it gets the action across quite well, its lacking the prose of the first half of your story. I know battles aren't flowery events, but you can still incorporate some the same kind of descriptive language. I reworked the above sentence; see what you think about this and if you can get a feel for it:
Ah Li deftly staved off her attackers while continuing her own punishing assaults on the vicious warrior women, as the Tigress began ripping away at Cha-Zi with her sharp, feline claws.
I used descriptive words to punctuate aggression and intensity, which were more or less absent from your original sentence. What helps me when describing action is to think about it as an emotional event rather than just a physical one. You could say, for instance, "He kicked her in the stomach," but there's no feel for its level of violence. First, give the kicker a personality (let's say he's crazy), and then you can describe his kick (let's say it was really hard). Now you can fix the sentence so it reads, "Delirious, he savagely swung his leg, kicking her in the stomach with great force."
Does this make sense at all? I wanted to help out some, because I really loved the first half of the story and didn't quite feel like the second half matched it in style. In any case, you're doing a great job, and I definitely see an improvement in your writing since I read "The Immortal Realm." I look forward to reading your other stories! Keep writing!
Last edited by
Tanith on Sat Aug 7, '10, 5:31 am, edited 3 times in total.