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PostPosted: Mon Sep 8, '08, 9:55 pm 
Hello,

This topic is for reviews of The Story of Mars, the fan fiction by Kaloes. You may use this topic to let Kaloes know what you think of this story. When commenting on the story, try to go into detail about what you enjoyed or thought could be improved. Both praise and constructive criticism are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive criticisms.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of The Story of Mars. If you would like to discuss another story, please do so in that story's review thread.

Thanks,
Thoul


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 8, '08, 11:43 pm 
A great start to teh Second Generation that never was, though Wren's kinda MIA at the moment =)

A question for our author- would this mean that Lyle and Maia are Thea's parents? Time paradox, Sari's the nice polite ladylike one, and Thea's the evil psychopath? (Evil Thea, cha-cha-cha!)


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, '08, 5:53 pm 
So what are your opinions on this fic guys, I've yet to hear any opinions about it


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, '08, 6:29 pm 
Kaloes: Look above your last post. =p

In all seriousness, I'm liking this. Mars is quite the * for being Mieu's daughter (and the first person besides Alisa to use swords one-handed, unless she has a shortsword or received some specialist sword/claw training). Wren was introduced in typical awesome fashion- I even imagined the PSIV-style manga panels:

Panel 1: Cillean soldier towering over Mars. Framed so you can't see past him.
Panel 2: Close up of Cillean soldier's face. Orgy of violence.
Panel 3: Results. An eighteen-inch hole has been blasted through his head, with a shadowy figure visible on the entrance wound side.
Panel 4: Close up, Mars's face, shocked.
Panel 5: Cillean soldier sighs through his newly-acquired sucking cranial wound, falls to ground, and expires. Messily.
Panel 6: Establishing shot of Wren.

Still wondering just who this cascade-haired young man is, though! The Prince of Cille (Maia's son? Lyle's son? Their mutual son!?) What of Thea, too?


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, '08, 8:45 pm 
I see, thanks for the comment, I wish more people would comment though as they keep me going lol. Anyways with Chapter Four up I believe things seem to be getting more interesting for Mars.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, '08, 7:02 am 
I've just read the first two chapters. It's pretty good. I noticed some mistakes in name usage. You used Landale instead of Landen in a few places. The first chapter, fifth paragraph, at the end you wrote Orakians and Landens, which I think you meant to be Layans.

Aside from that, a few things just seem off to me. I would have liked to see some more description in the attack on Landen's throne - like how the Layans got that far into Landen without any alarm at all. Some reaction from Maia in that scene could be good, since she was mentioned. Also Mars' flashback to Lena telling her about the marsh seems to come out of nowhere - why would Lena share that secret with just Mars? It might be good if you built on that a little and gave Lena and Mars some history together.

But overall it's a really good story so far. I like Mars, she's a very good character. She's a very nice mix of her parents.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, '08, 3:01 pm 
thanks for pointing out a few of those things for me thoul, i mainly write the fic while i'm at work and don't really go back to look at it. i've corrected the few mistakes and i'm gonna reread over it to make sure everythings correct.

the marsh, yea that bit came out of nowhere for that chapter but more things about lena and mars will be explained in later chapters, i've already planned out every single detail for each character and have them written down on a small notepad i bring with me to work everyday. whenever a new idea pops up i write it down and if i can i involve it into the chapter.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, '08, 3:24 pm 
With the new chapter up things seem to be getting hectic for Mars and company. What are some of your opinions about these new chapters.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, '08, 5:27 am 
Sorry, I haven't had a chance to read any more of it yet. I'm sooo far behind. Hopefully I can get caught up soon.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, '08, 8:01 pm 
Well I'm just glad someone's still reading. I kinda began to give up on the whole writing since noone ever talks about it anymore.


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