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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, '11, 11:47 pm 
Hello,

You may use this topic to share your thoughts regarding The Greatest Pain by tilinelson2. When reviewing, try to go into detail about what you enjoy or feel could be improved in The Greatest Pain. Both praise and constructive criticism intended to help tilinelson2 in future endeavors are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive comments.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of The Greatest Pain. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Thanks,
Fringes of Algo Staff


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, '11, 12:18 am 
I think this is a pretty good story. You've stepped away from all the toys you have in the torture room, and looked at the one place where Maia can truly be hurt- her heart. The pain from my palm impacting my face from when Rhys said "...but I couldn't ignore her. She is so lovely." pales in comparison to what the poor woman felt when the words hit her ears. I gotta admit, she truly got the shaft this time.

I measured the amount of tearing my eyes did for this story, and it's pretty close to what I dropped when I read Sunrise.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, '11, 1:07 am 
I feel terrible that I've been neglecting reading your stories for so long, but I had a moment to sit down and read this one. Amid all of the angst, it was nice to leave Maia on a cautiously optimistic note. It will be an important life lesson for her. She's only 16, after all. She can use this experience to make her stronger and more resilient.

I really liked her request for Rhys to continue breaking down the walls of racism, and that she would do the same. That was a nice, mature moment for her. Her other request was more teen angsty and melodramatic, but I'll forgive her since she is a teenager.

It was interesting to read her going back and forth about how hard of a decision it was for Rhys, too. Of course she was upset, and it's hard to be reasonable in a moment like that, but she did acknowledge a couple of times that it was no picnic for Rhys, either. I give Rhys a hard time because I think his quest is silly and full of plot holes, but I do feel sorry for him having to make that final decision: Go home with what you know is familiar and what is honorable to your duties, kingdom and heritage, or follow true love and pave a path/change history in light of newfound tolerance between people? Poor guy.

Anyway, good story; one of your best so far (that I've read) in terms of grammar, style and flow. It would be nice to have a follow-up of this story that takes place years down the tube when Maia is queen and can reflect on the experience as a mature, wizened woman.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, '11, 3:44 pm 
I agree with Tanith in that this is one of your better stories in terms of style and flow. There are still a couple of errors that slipped through the cracks, but hey, none of us are immune to that.

*sigh* Rhys is never going to catch a break in fanfic, is he? :wink: In his efforts to not hurt Maia, he wound up saying all the wrong things, but then again, nothing would have satisfied her, anyway. You did a great job in portraying her thoughts and emotions and showing how desperate she was for his love, even after she realized that she had "lost". It's interesting to think how Rhys would have responded differently had Lyle/the dragon shown up just a few minutes later.

Quote:I'd bet high stakes that I've been there through my whole life. I'd lose it all with that pleased grin of the gambling addict who lost with a full-house against four-of-a-kind. He lost, but he knew that was the correct bet. And this would be my bet.


This was an especially great passage. Nicely done!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, '11, 4:51 pm 
Finished reading it. It was a long story, although it was about a subject (and a character) that all of us at the Fringes know that you feel passionately about. Your writing in English has gotten a bit better, and is quite a bit better than your more dialogue-driven stories. I think you do better at getting into the characters' heads than you do at doing dialogue, but that's just me.

I'm still not entirely sure why he chose Lena in this story, but considering the narrator, maybe that was intentional. I'm glad to see that Maia started to compose herself at the end and I do hope that Rhys fully complied with her requests. I imagine he did, at least the first one, as Nial was open-minded enough to take on a Layan bride.

You're starting to progress as a writer now.


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PostPosted: Sun May 8, '11, 10:04 pm 
Good story. Very heartbreaking chapter. It is amazing all the things that go through your mind at a time like this and you've dealt with just about all of them and done it very well too. Good riddance comes to my mind concerning Rhys, but maybe that's not a hundred percent fair, lol. Still, it's hard to be fair at a time like this. Excellent writing. :)


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