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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, '11, 4:49 am 
Hello,

You may use this topic to share your thoughts regarding The First Mistake by tilinelson2. When reviewing, try to go into detail about what you enjoy or feel could be improved in The First Mistake. Both praise and constructive criticism intended to help tilinelson2 in future endeavors are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive comments.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of The First Mistake. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Thanks,
Fringes of Algo Staff


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, '11, 12:46 pm 
That was a pretty good look into Rune's thoughts. Your English is better here than in some of your other recent stories. Oh, it's "sixteen-year-old" instead of just "sixteen."

You wouldn't imagine that the author spent a lot of time complaining about how cliché the Rika/Chaz romance was by the way Rune talks in the final paragraph. :D


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, '11, 4:03 pm 
Tili writing about Rune/Alys? *drops dead of shock* :D

In all seriousness, I really liked this story and I agree that it's one of your better ones. It displays Rune's feelings towards Alys without being too over-the-top or unrealistically sweet and romantic (as you know how I feel about that interpretation of them). I also found his feelings about Chaz to be accurately depicted. The style worked really well here in this type of story - nice work!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, '11, 1:51 am 
Tili has written a PSIV fanfic. Now on to weather, where Hell is reporting a massive snow storm on the horizon....

Anyway, this is an excellent story. I only detected one actual error, but I did use a lot of red ink.

"Of regrouping what had been left behind and keep on." This sentence rings a couple different bells for me. Firstly, I suggest changing the first half to "Of regrouping around what had been left behind...." or "Of gathering what had been left behind...."; I don't have much force behind this suggestion. The second half, I suggest "...and moving on."

"After all, he was not the great Lutz?" This, along with the next 3 sentences, I suggest transposing "he" and "was"- "After all, was he not the great Lutz?" is a more traditional form for this type of question.

"He could give a damn for what was happening and just keep whining about his problems." You're missing a negative here. "He could not give a damn...."

"The night was unusually hotter than he was used to." I'd drop "unusually".

(This is the only definite error)"...but she had advised them to...." He, not she.

"He know Chaz wanted to prove...." "He knows Chaz...."

"Rune depended on him to defeat the ultimate evil, but the two had a difficult relationship." I think you are using the wrong tense here, it currently suggests that this is a reflection from after the game, rather than immediately after the Psycho Wand. I recommend future tense for this exact sentence.

"All in all, the only responsible for that...." I think "one" should be added- "...only one responsible...."

Again, while this is a long list, it's only suggestions, and you did good with your use of stream of consciousness.


Last edited by carlsojos on Thu Apr 14, '11, 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, '11, 8:11 am 
Good story, a little sad, but normal for what one might be feeling at such a time. Could use some proofreading as I noticed some of the same errors/items mentioned above. I like the line where you mentioned Rune's blue hair as that's one of the things I like best about him.


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PostPosted: Thu May 19, '11, 10:35 pm 
This is an excellent writing, tilinelson2. In retrospect, it strikes me as odd that the game never showed us Rune dealing with the loss of Alys, given how close they were supposed to have been. You handled it very well, showing a side of the character that is both realistic and, to me, unexpected. I began to sympathize with Rune on a new level thanks to this story.

On the technical side, there is one issue I want to point out. At the end of the fifth paragraph, you have a double negative: "couldn't not". Your meaning is obvious, to me anyway, but the double negative makes it read as if Rune is justifying suicide.


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