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PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, '10, 5:32 pm 

This topic is for reviews of The end of the innocence - a soul wounded forever by tilinelson2. You may use this topic to let tilinelson2 know what you think of this work. When commenting, try to go into detail about what you enjoyed or thought could be improved. Both praise and constructive criticism are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive criticisms.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of The end of the innocence - a soul wounded forever. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.


PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, '10, 6:00 pm 
Wow, that was brutal. You didn't pull any punches there, did you? I only need to point out the presence of a few grammar errors ("is" where it should be "are", etc.) and the Brazilian/Portuguese style of dialogue using hypens instead of quotation marks is also a bit jarring in English prose. Otherwise, it was a very suspenseful story.

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, '10, 6:19 pm 
Thanks. I've corrected some mistakes (just remembered the "police are" thing :p) and changed the dialogue style to suit better English readers.

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, '10, 7:16 pm 
That was a very powerful story, but I honestly think something really, really tragic would have to occur in Anna's life for her to be as recluse as she is. Didn't her original settei include a bit about her being orphaned? Anyway, this is very well-written. As dire as the subject matter is, it's nice to see Anna get some development, too. You made it very easy to sympathize with her character. Excellent stuff, and I hope you'll write more in the future (after you're done with that self-help book ;)).

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, '10, 1:23 pm 
Yep, her original settei says she lost her parents at an young age, so I thought 11 to be a good young age for her.

One thing I consider interesting is that both her and Rolf lost her parents while young, but they have very different lives. Rolf was raised in good conditions, probably studying (he has a broad range of knowledge) and getting a decent profession and living a comfortable live. Anna, on the other way, lived amongst the dredges of the society and has a past to be forgotten. I'll further explore what happened to her, including the events her text adventure when I have the time.

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, '10, 3:17 pm 
I don't know what kind of place it was, but if you go by the text adventure plot, he was in an orphanage for 2 years, left and came back after 8 years of swordsman training and became an agent afterward.

If you want to know what happened with spoilers then he met a swordsmaster when he was 12, got his butt kicked by him in a contest, ran off to Uzo to train for 8 years as a result, comes back and after saving his friend, finds out the swordmaster he met earlier is actually the Commander and everything that Rolf just went through was a test to see if he was worthy of being his successor, before being offered the chance to become an Agent.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 1, '10, 4:28 pm 
I know that, I've played the text adventures. But even so, we can't have good reasons how Rolf, being an orphan, had the opportunity to succeed in life while Anna had to live amongst the dredges of society.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 1, '10, 4:29 pm 
Because that's how these things usually go?

PostPosted: Wed Oct 6, '10, 2:35 pm 
In our society maybe. In PSII society, I don't think so, since Mother Brain controlled the production, so many people didnĀ“t have to work. There shouldn't be "people without opportunities" in a society like that.

PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, '10, 5:19 am 
Powerful story! Anna must have had a great deal of strength inside her somewhere to survive such a brutal tragedy as this even if it did effect her in troublesome ways. Almost horrible to read but very captivating story also.

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