Wow, talk about a leap over the rough draft, Kaleos! I mightily enjoy alternate ending/story things like this where you take one event, change it, and you have a whole new story. The only thing I saw that could really use improvement is a lot of missing commas and some other technical sort of things. If you don't have this already, maybe you should have someone else proofread your work before you post it to help you catch those stupid technical details.
But otherwise, it's pretty well-written, keep it up.
