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PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, '10, 9:28 pm 
Hello,

This topic is for reviews of Orakian Visitors by Aeroprism. You may use this topic to let Aeroprism know what you think of this work. When commenting, try to go into detail about what you enjoyed or thought could be improved. Both praise and constructive criticism are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive criticisms.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of Orakian Visitors. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Thanks,
Thoul


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, '10, 12:37 am 
I like this story a lot, Aero. You've painted a wonderful picture of the contrast between Orakians and Layans. All of the reactions seem natural and work great. This feels like a great introduction to a larger adventure and leaves me quite curious as to how the story might play out if you chose to continue it.

I didn't notice any problems with your English. The only issue I did notice was the name Herzog near the end. It seems to come out of nowhere. My guess is that you meant to use Vaestram there.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, '10, 12:58 am 
Vaestram Herzog was the original name which in light of recent pondering did not fit in there.

Thanks for spotting the bug, correcting this right now!

Edit: Wow, I'm rude here, acting as if the rest of your post wasn't just as important. Thanks for the kind words Thoul. I might just pursue the venture, who knows. I am a man of so many projects...


Last edited by Aeroprism on Thu Jul 15, '10, 12:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, '10, 3:22 am 
This definitely left me wanting more. You write beautifully, Aero. I really admire your command of not only English, but those gorgeous, gorgeous descriptions of everyone. I'm really curious about what's going on aboard the Alisa III in this new time period.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, '10, 1:58 pm 
The obvious advantage with leaving a story on the shelf for a little time is that you'll get ideas to refine your initial train of thoughts.

The dubious advantage with leaving a story on the shelf for a very long time is that you'll let that train of thought crash into the barrier of forgetfulness and allow you to make a new, potentially better one.

That's my uselessly metaphoric way of saying: I have no idea where this story was originally going but no matter, I got nice new ideas now.

Now my goal is to avoid my usual trap: illusions of grandeur. I tend to stretch and stretch and when the document is 30, 40, even 50 pages long, I lose focus.

Me? Talking too much? No way :P

Small chapters Aero, small chapters.


Yeah, I'm going to try and write more of this.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, '10, 8:07 pm 
I know just want you mean. I couldn't recall where one of my projects was going to go if my life depended on it. If I were to pick it up again now, it would go in a totally different direction, thanks to everything I've learned since those days.

I looking forward to see more chapters! :D


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, '10, 9:36 pm 
It was a very well-written little piece. Ya' got talent!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, '10, 5:44 pm 
Very enjoyable story, and I also see much potential there for future editions. This one was short but paved the way beautifully for more to come. Looking forward to it. And, your English was perfect as far as I am concerned. Excellent work!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, '10, 6:20 pm 
Thank you very much! Comments like this do make me want to pursue this adventure.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, '11, 12:01 am 
It was a nice start of a history. Pretty good descriptions, but not boring, they really add to the story. The main argument was intriguing as well, it is really a pity thatbit wasn't developed.

I don't review works in progress, unless they are a collection of tales. This story looks incomplete, but I think, given its date, it will never be finished. However, it is really good stuff and I am the first to encourage people to keep on doing their fan arts, so you will not be an exception. Try to return to it one day.


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