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PostPosted: Wed Jun 8, '11, 6:45 pm 

You may use this topic to share your thoughts regarding A post Phantasy Star II playthrough. by JustMe. When reviewing, try to go into detail about what you enjoy or feel could be improved in A post Phantasy Star II playthrough.. Both praise and constructive criticism intended to help JustMe in future endeavors are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive comments.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of A post Phantasy Star II playthrough.. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Fringes of Algo Staff

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, '11, 6:31 pm 
Hi...this is very well done, and very entertaining to read! Good work! :) Also, I hope we get to read more of your works in the future. :yes:

I know you stated it was a rough draft, however, I did notice a few things that were not clear to me and might be worth mentioning for your consideration, and they are:

In the 4th paragraph..."Lutz: “Rolf, you may have defeated the Mother Brain and saved Palm from exploding your work is still not complete."

(Note: The sentence is not entirely clear..perhaps a word, comma, or something is needed after "exploding" to connect the second half of the sentence.)

In the paragraph: "Spirit1: We are beings from a time long before your universe began. We beings that transcend your multiverse and have created the being from which the Profound Darkness and Great Light split."

(Note: The second sentence is not clear. Perhaps using a verb such as "are" as used in the first sentence .. "we are beings" .. might help.)

In the paragraph: "Spirit2: What caused this split was a powerful energy transcendent of the multiverse that created time loops, for in another timeloop fixing these isn’t necessary, but leftover beings manifest from this energy will ensure a return of the Profound Darkness."

(Note: "manifest" might sound clearer or better as "manifested".)

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