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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, '11, 2:45 pm 
Hello,

You may use this topic to share your thoughts regarding A New Beginning by tilinelson2. When reviewing, try to go into detail about what you enjoy or feel could be improved in A New Beginning. Both praise and constructive criticism intended to help tilinelson2 in future endeavors are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive comments.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of A New Beginning. If you would like to discuss another writing, please do so in that writing's review thread.

Thanks,
Fringes of Algo Staff


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 4, '11, 2:42 pm 
I like stories about Anna's past (as we know so little!). This story sort of reminded me of Chaz being "saved" by Alys at an early age and being encouraged to use his talents for good (in a good way, of course). That Anna was openly thankful for the opportunities presented to her was a nice touch.

The descriptions of the scanning equipment and the robots at the beginning were well done, as were Anna's reaction to them.

One thing didn't sit right with me, and I'm aware that I'm about to get onto my feminist soapbox. :wink: In a series that has always had strong female characters (from Alis to Alys), I'm not sure if I'm buying that it's so "unusual" for women to join the military. Even in the same game, you have Amy becoming a doctor at a young age and the ruling entity of Algo being modeled after a woman. I can see them being skeptical over Anna's age and/or background, but it just doesn't seem to fit into Phantasy Star that women rarely went through the military training.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 4, '11, 4:34 pm 
You have got into your feminist soapbox for sure :p
With the development of her story, you will see she is not the only woman in military. In fact, I didnĀ“t say it was rare to have women in military, just that they are very few compared to men. It is pretty normal considering, in most of the countries, women are greatly outnumbered by man in military and in other careers as well, like Engineering. It is not that they are not capable, just that these careers are usually ovelooked by women.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, '11, 1:09 am 
Somehow I knew Lizzie wasn't going to make it. Shame about the others, too.

To me, it felt like the second chapter could have been split into two separate parts - one for the training and one for Lizzie's drama. I really liked the descriptions of using the slicers and how most people, trainees and officers alike, wanted nothing to do with them. Slicers are probably the most implausible weapons of the PS universe anyway, but you did a really good job here making them seem more natural (to Anna, anyway).

The bit with Richard being interested in Anna romantically was cute and I almost wish you had done a little more with that before he got a hole in his head, anyway. Lizzie was a nice balance to Anna's darker personality, but I felt that her B-plot with the officer felt a little unresolved, even after Anna went to go confront him.

A few minor spelling and grammar errors here and there, but nothing a good spellcheck/proofread can't fix. I liked seeing more of Anna's journey towards becoming a Guardian, even if her past isn't exactly rosy.


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