This is what I love about these forums. We can discuss and share our opinions civilly, poke a little fun at each other, and disagree without real argument.

. Aero, I'll do a thread split later. I'm typing this on my phone on a bus, which is conducive to typos and not good for doing mod functions, so I'll thread split once I'm on my laptop later.
Aero, I love the software programmer staying awake on metal and not coffee. Made me laugh. On the bass drums, the technical term for that is 'blast beat', just in case you didn't know. Fitting name, right? Like other elements of music, it can be used well or not, and some bands waaaaaaaay overdo it. I've heard of both Rhapsody and Epica, listen to both sometimes. I like them, but find them almost TOO epic to the point of cheesiness so I only listen to one album at a time. But with this in mind, you may like the bands Kamelot and Nightwish.
Bragatyr, first off, that's awesome on you having been in a band. I didn't know that, and if you've shared that before, I clearly forgot. And as a fan of metal, there are still some subgenres I can't get into too much, namely black metal (some exceptions). I can agree with you on many of your points, but I do have to share my points of disagreement. Historically, metal has had some issues with misogyny and violence. I've read some books on the history of the genre, and it was undeniably there, especially in the 80s and early 90s. But a lot of it was just for show/entertainment, but of course, some took it a step or two too far. In the end, people produce the music, ANY music, and people do stupid things sometimes. And violence, over-the-topness, sex, etc. sell and always will sell, no matter what media it comes packaged in and no matter how much people object. On pop culture, I find it far worse in this regard than metal is anymore, and I view Minaj as a representative of a great many of the things I dislike about pop culture and pop music, which to me, hasn't changed much since the late 90s. I realize it may not be entirely fair, but it's how I honestly feel, and when I do hear her music or singing on a radio or something, that's what I end up thinking about. But of course, if someone wants to listen to her music, it's not really my place to judge or say no or anything. My opinion and nothing more.
On metal, well, as I said, it has matured, and matured well past the days of Varg Vikernes's church-burning...the members of the band Cynic recently came out as gay, and the metal community's response was overwhelmingly positive. Go back 20 years or so and that might not have been so well-received. There's been a lot of progress and IMO, the history is just that...the history. Not what it is now. Of course, there's still progress to be made. But the genre has grown past a lot of the excesses and problems of its history, and I don't feel like it's entirely fair to equate the metal of the past, with its rocky emergence, to metal as it is today, which has made a lot of progress on addressing a lot of those problems, and continues to do so. Again, my opinion, but as a female metalhead, I feel like people who do crazy stuff fall pretty squarely into a minority these days. More women are also getting into the genre and the misogynistic stuff just isn't there very much anymore.
Also, when I said "I'm a metalhead, what did you expect?" I was being facetious, which is why I put the silly face emoticon there. I try not to judge others on what music they listen to, and I say try because I'm sure I do it sometimes, unconsciously, without meaning to. And as much as I dislike pop music, it's also still most definitely music, and if it's what someone wants to listen to, I say go for it.
On harsh vocals not being singing...I kind of agree, kind of not. There's some that blend the harshness and cleanliness simultaneously, one example being Joe Duplantier of Gojira. I can see where you're coming from, though, so I think I'm going to let this point rest.
And I can agree you as well, at least to a point, on metalheads needing to appreciate more types of music. There is a small slice of the fan community that's quite elitist and naturally, they're the loud ones you hear the most. And sometimes, those elitists try to constantly out-elite each other. If that's what they want to do, well, that's fine. More power to them. That said, most metalheads do enjoy other genres and I'm among them. Just look at my last.fm profile (linked in my profile here)...metal dominates, but there's a LOT of variety there too. But we all have things we dislike. We can't like it all, and pop music is one of those music genres I just do not like.