Page 4 of 5  [ 41 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, '07, 5:18 pm 
I have just begun reading some of the great Fan Fiction stories posted here on the site. I take my hat off to all you authors. There are some very wonderful writings here to enjoy. :clap:

So far I've read "Betrayal" by Kaloes, "Grief" by Thoul, and "New Beginnings" by Kaloes. They were all very enjoyable.

Kaloes, I really enjoyed "New Beginnings"! Thanks for the story. :yes:


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, '07, 6:33 am 
hey guys long time huh? well i put up a new fanfic on the boards, its not a phantasy star one so its in the miscellaneous section so I hope you guys enjoy what I wrote. Its called Human, the words in the ( ) just tell u what game its from just in case you don't know


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, '07, 7:57 am 
I can't say I've played that game, (though I've heard of the title) but I checked out the story and I really liked it. :) Great job!


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, '07, 1:10 am 
Very nice! I haven't played any of that series either, but that is definitely a great story.


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, '07, 1:13 am 
Wow, there's a lot of fanfiction I still haven't read! I'm very intrigued by the PSIV one.


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, '07, 6:11 pm 
wow ^_^|' i guess my writing must of improved some. *looks at the rating* i'm glad you guys like it, care to tell me the good and bad points of what you liked/didn't like? heh been in a writing mood lately, put up a new one today =P


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, '07, 1:34 am 
kaloes, I read three of your facfics today, Betrayal, which I really enjoyed, Should I Exist, which I did not, and From Fifth to Sixth, that had a very strong premise.

kaloes, in Betrayal I think you have quite a novel idea for how Maia got to Landen. It's at least plausible, and very thought-provoking. There's complicated motivations for each of the characters involved, which makes for some very interesting reading. There's a couple of tense scenes in the story, and while the first, Lyle's kidnapping of Maia is paced just fine, I would have like to see the scene where Lyle is going to kill Maia last a little longer. The only other suggestion I have is in regard to the sentence structure, since the first-person can degenerate into a bunch of sentences that start "I" then followed with a verb. If that type of sentence structure is varied, it will help the flow a bit better. Other than that, the story deserves high marks.

I didn't like Should I Exist nearly as much, not because of any mechanical problems, but on the premise. The reference of the party arriving as it does it PSIII didn't have much impact on the story except to imply that Kain possibly became jealous over Kara's reactions to them, and could have been omitted entirely.

Also, I understand that the two Karas facing each other is in reference to there being two different Karas in PSIII, but I didn't see the conflict. This Kara does exist, and she can't do anything to make the other exist instead, making the issue moot and passive. The confrontation between Kara and her other self was bizarre. Should the other Kara be mad at Lune, since he's the one that married a different woman and had a different daughter? Though, you did have her come to the correct conclusion that it doesn't matter whether she should or should not exist, she does.

In From Fifth to Sixth, you chose a very good premise for your story and pursued it well and consistently throughout. I'd just like to see you slow it down and expand it more, because this is an excellent topic to explore. A few suggested edits or expansions: "Losing ones only family takes its toll on oneself after awhile. I'll never forget that day." That's one of those cliches that is empty, and an original sentence would tell us something more about Kyra as a person. The question that it elicits is, why? It needs an actual event to explain why it takes such a toll and why she'll never forget. You explore this somewhat toward the end of the story, but it hangs as an unqualified statement at the beginning.

Another situation is why Kyra doesn't immediately tell the Old Man at Lutz's Sanctuary that he's full of it when he announces Trey to be dead when it's unconfirmed; this would result in a harsh rebuttal from anyone since the only evidence is that he left the mansion; they aren't looking at his lifeless body. I understand you're trying to convince the reader of the worst, but that would be better accomplished by listing the indigenous critters in the area like Sky Tiaras, Moles and Robots.

Some minor expansion is needed at "... Chaz and company approached, it appeared they needed our assistance defeating a being known as the Profound Darkness." We all know what you're talking about here, but giving this is Kyra's all-important reason for leaving her brother, so it is essential to mention my this will force her to leave her brother behind. Also in regard to this: why does she have to leave him forever in Aiedo? Why didn't she go get him after they defeated the PD?

Lastly, when Trey's companion, Celeith, is speaking to Kyra, the names of characters he uses, Anise, and Dorn Kedzie, are unnecessary, and can be omitted, since they don't appear in this story. Using proper nouns doesn't enhance the information here: if you used "his sister" with no name, and "our comrade" with no name, the effect would be the same. Proper nouns are only necessary if we're going to meet these characters within your story.


Despite these criticisms, I would like to see an expanded story on this topic. You've done a fine job in selecting it. As with many of your stories, it feels like an introduction to something epic.


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, '07, 2:59 am 
yea i'm gonna go back and redo those two to make the stuff last out longer and explain some more details in the story, basically those were a bit complicated to think of since PSIII was new to me. Should I Exist is kinda related to those who think about things such as If my mom had married another man who would I be today? Would I be the same person? Or would I be a completely different person altogether?

that story is more to the asking why question.. think of the statement "Losing ones only family takes its toll on oneself after awhile. I'll never forget that day." that takes place at the beginning, its the basis for the whole story kinda, its starts like that and then goes to a sorta flashback then comes back around to itself in the conclusion.


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, '07, 1:09 am 
Yes, that's understandable in both cases. I'll look forward to your elaborations!


Top
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, '07, 1:41 am 
mhm, went back and added/took out some things in them yesterday


Top
 Page 4 of 5  [ 41 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


Display posts from previous:
Sort by  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to: