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PostPosted: Thu Feb 7, '08, 5:10 am
Average Rating: 4.07 out of 5
The lines in the fic are all preceded by a >, followed by the comments of the hecklers (who are Chaz, Rune, Raja and Demi.) Thanks to Tsunami for generously donating this fic. You rock. Thanks also to the people who made Mystery Science Theater 3000 all those years ago...and to George Carlin, because I reference his material a couple times, and probably will continue to in the future.

[On a satellite floating somewhere out in Algo, Raja is sitting at the control panel, studying the buttons and flashing lights. Rune and Chaz are behind him, watching. Raja cocks his head.]

Raja: What does this button do? [Pushes it and the satellite shakes] How about this one? [Pushes it, and a door nearby opens] Oh, this is such fun!
Rune: Raja, do you have ADD or something? Zio locked us in this satellite two days ago and you’re still having fun with the controls.
Chaz: And I wish you’d stop. I had never seen an android angry until yesterday when you turned the gravity off…and that’s something I really don’t want to see again.
Rune: Yeah…I don’t think those scorch marks on the ceiling will ever go away.
Raja: Oh, that mechanical doll was just being temperamental. [Continues playing. He pushes a big red button. There is a muffled explosion, following by a faint, shrill scream.]
Chaz: Uh…is it just me or did that sound like Demi?
Rune: I smell smoke.
Raja: Ooo, that was fun! [Continues playing]
Chaz: I have a bad feeling…

[A door opens. Demi suddenly comes running in, her hair, clothes and armor singed. She jumps and tackles Raja, knocking him off the chair he is sitting in, and they both vanish behind the control panel. Sounds of a struggle commence. Rune and Chaz look at each other.]

Chaz: Did you know Demi could run that fast? I didn’t.
Rune: [Shrugs] Me neither.

[They watch the wrestling match that has ensued.]

Rune: Well, he’s getting what he deserves.

[A light on the panel starts flashing.]

Chaz: Looks like Zio’s calling…[hits a communicator]

[Zio’s fort. On the bottom chamber, Zio and Juza appear to be sorting through a lot of papers.]

Zio: Good day, degenerates. Enjoying your vacation?


Rune: Well, I think we are enjoying watching Demi beat up Raja for the second time, but otherwise, no.


Zio: Oh…well, that’s too bad, because I’m about to give you entertainment of a special type.


Chaz: Can’t be worse than Raja’s jokes.


Zio: Oh, but it is. Because now that you’ve settled into your new lives, I will now regularly force you to read the most horrible writing to ever come into existence.


Rune: Still can’t be worse than Raja’s jokes.


Zio: You will eat those words, Walsh. Today you will be reading a horrible self-insertion fanfic that looks like it was written by a third grader whose only previous writing experience was AIM chat sessions. Juza?
Juza: Yes, my lord.

[Satellite. Lights start flashing and sirens start going off.]

Chaz: Fanfic sign!

[Rune and Chaz both start trying to pull Demi off of Raja, who is resisting it. A series of doors opens to a theater.]

[Theater. Raja goes in first, follow by Chaz, Demi and Rune.]

Rune: What exactly did Raja do anyway?
Demi: Blew up one of the engines while I was in the engine room. It was a secondary engine, thankfully. [Glares at Raja, shakes fist at him] Don’t touch that control panel again!
Raja: [Bruised, bloody, fingers crossed in lap] Alright, alright!
Demi: [Glares] I propose we put a surveillance chip in Raja’s brain!

>Luv at 1st site

Chaz: So the author fell in love with the first website they visited?
Rune: Maybe this was written by a computer.

>writen by: yoshiibono-kun_gurl18!!

Demi: Or a hermaphrodite.
Chaz: Hey, I wish I had exclamation marks after my name. Chaz!!


Raja: Ahh, so the author’s a Gamecube fan.


Raja: Okay, geez, you can stop yelling!

>ok like i saw kjim

Demi: Kjim? Okay, so not only is the author a hermaphrodite, but so is one of the characters.
Rune: Kim, Jim…I hate it when people just won’t pick a name and try to combine two instead.

>lookin @ me... ..his eyesz

Chaz: This girl…guy…whatever…is really big on extra letters.

>pserkly in teh way htatr

Rune: What the…? Is this author DRUNK?!

>they do wen ur in love.
>"ur the lite taht britenz the dakr"

Raja: Buy new Lay’s lite potato chips! Taste good, and you’ll never need a flashlight again!

>hugh lafft winkin @ me....oh god i think im blushign!!!!!
>"i... i am??" i askd

Rune: [As if Hugh] Yes. But you’re too salty, I may have to start buying Pringles lite chips instead.

>"yea" he sed wipeing oft his sexi glasses

Demi: He wipes his glasses to become…SUPERNERD!
Chaz: Faster than a calculator, stronger than a ruler!

>that maed him luk rly smart
>he maybe not muskqlar

Raja: Well, if you look at him, I think you can figure out if he’s muscular or not.
Rune: Assuming “muscular” is what the author actually MEANS.
Chaz: Muskqlar…sounds like a brand of cologne.
Demi: Are you a nerd? Try muskqlar to make yourself smell manly.

>but thats ok. i liek ihm like dat.
>he frownd ta me den "its ovr" he wihspered
>"what" i cried. i cried 4 days w/o him in my life....kust liek thta he wwuz goen..

Chaz: More extra letters!
Rune: The extra “w” is for “why am I depressed over a loser like that anyway?”

>i went bakc 2 get my things frum his plase and i saw amy there "amy" i sed wundering >wy she was there
>she didnt look @ me "hi"

Demi: So she didn’t look at you while high?

>i grabed my thngs and ran to the park i was so sad tht head do that to me.

Chaz: Stupid head!
Raja: Did Amy just do…ANYTHING?
Rune: Nope, nothing.
Raja: Just checking, maybe I missed something and she WASN’T a completely pointless, random character introduction.

> i sobed in the bench cuz i wantd 2 be alone

Rune: Wait a minute, did this girl just go to a public park to be alone?
Raja: Um…yeah...
Demi: Oh please, let there be a big festival going on there that day.

>"viki" he mumbled

Rune: Finally, a name!
Chaz: Awww, the mystery behind the narrator’s name was the only thing going for this story.

>"what r u doing here??" y was here here..

Raja: Here here for the entrance of a random unnamed man!

>"i couldnt leav eyou not aftr all we ben thru baby"

Rune: [As if Hugh] Like our breakup.

>he held me tight adn told me "it wil be alrite"
>"y r u

Chaz: Changing the order of the alphabet?

>back hugh?? WHY??"

Demi: Is it just me, or does the first thing that comes to mind there is software to fix iPods called “iCare”?
Chaz: Hmm, I better get my hands on a copy of that.


Raja: [As if Hugh] And that’s why I left you, dork.

>i was so scarrd he nevr yells at me like that

Chaz: You know, if Hugh yells so badly that the author is scarred….why does the author CARE?!
Demi: My question exactly.

>befoier so i ran away from him crying iwasso scared

Rune: Seriously…what a crybaby. Seriously. Just kill yourself already instead of subjecting us to this torture too!
Demi: [As if author] Wanna kill myself, but gotta find the time to do it…mmm, let me see now…gotta cry in the park on Thursday…got my therapy session Friday…in-laws coming over on Sunday….Sunday…

>when i got home i lokced the fdppr

Raja: [Making fart noises.]

>and cryed on my bed....

Chaz: Rune, maybe she IS going to kill herself, sounds like she’s going to write the suicide note.
Demi: “Hey guys! Guess what? Keep on readin’! How are you? I hope you are fine. I am not fine, as you can probably tell from my corpse hangin’ from the ceiling. You’re the ones who drove me to this. Everything was going great until you people came along, and now I’m freakin’ dead.-signed, the corpse in this room. PS: Screw you people!”

>i tupched his pickher

Rune: Come on, pick her…no, not her, HER!

>and said "i love u even tho i cant faze you"
>it ws a logn tiem b4 i

Raja: Won a bingo game.

>waaz able to go out into the world and face ppl again. one day i went out into an ally >adn felt sporry fro myself so i cryed

Rune: Felt sporry? Hmmm…so this author’s on mushrooms...
Chaz: That explains a lot.
Rune: Yup, but it worries me. I mean, if she’s crying because she’s sporry, she may produce more little crybabies like herself.

>"WHERE ARE YOU" i said into the draknes..

Demi: All around you, you inobservant dingbat!

>"im rite here" a famelar voise whisperd in my era

Chaz: B.V….Before Viki.

>i turend was Rudo!!!!!!

Demi: [To the tune of “Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer”] Rudolf the back-alley hunter, was stalking girls one day…

>"what are u doin here" i askdf

Raja: [Epic voice] In panic, Viki consults her alphabet soup to figure out what Rudo was doing in the ally.

>he smiled and said "i came for ui"

Rune: [As if Rudo] I was eating my soup on the roof of this building and I think I dropped a couple of letters in your soup. Can I have them back?

>i was so confusrd "why"

Demi: [As if Viki] I have the consonants-only soup, I don’t see any u’s or i’s in here.

>"bcus i love u"
>i felt strck dumb

Rune: Oh great, the author just got stupider!

>"really" i asked

Chaz: [As if Rudo] No, that’s just what it says in my soup.

>"yea" "okay"

Raja: That whole conversation DOES reek of reading out of alphabet soup, honestly.

>so i started seeing rudo but it dindt ffel rite. we went 2 clubs and partys but it wazasnt >fun.... no while i loved ruod i stil loved hugh oh my presiocu hugh

Demi: My…precioussssssss….

>"hi" he said

Raja: No! Not the return of the unnamed man!

>"hey how logn haf u been here??!!" i screamed
>he smiled "ill always b here 4 u baby"

Raja: [As if Hugh] Ready to make you sick. Oh wait, I already do that anyway.

>and our song started palyoing

Chaz: [Imitating spring] BOING-oing-oing-oing-oing…

> we defanced.

Raja: Okay guys, “danced” or “defaced”?
Demi: Defaced. Each other.
Rune: Good enough for me.
Chaz: Yup.

>but then rudo came home so i pushed hugh out the window...... ..

Demi: [As if the author] Well hello, sweetums, I just created a new door for your reindeer friends.
Rune: Good to see defenestration. You don’t see that enough these days.

>"hey sweat muffin" rudo greeted me

Raja: He’s got strange tastes…I mean, if I ever went into a bakery, I don’t think I’d get the muffin that tastes like sweat.

>gloomily like he alwhays does cuz hes a sezy goth lkie that..
>"oh hi" i lied eating a choklit cupkaek

Rune: At least someone has normal taste in baked sweets.
Demi: So I guess Rudo’s hobby is being a baker.
Chaz: Well, if he’s making sweat-flavored muffins, that’s a bakery I don’t want to visit.

>"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!1!" he said

Raja: For the first time in his life, Rudo utters the word “no”.

>but it was 2 laty.. i felt dizzy and my wurld went blak.

Demi:…what just happened?
Chaz: I’m assuming the cupcake was poisoned. Now I REALLY don’t want to visit Rudo’s bakery!

>i awoke in a dark room.

Raja: Oh, THAT’S descriptive.

>i was lying on a medal

Chaz: So the author was either miniaturized or that’s a big freakin’ medal.
Demi: Or, she won a medal and sleeps with it under her pillow.

>table and it was veeyr coldr.

Rune: Very colder than what?

>"lol." some1 was laffing

Chaz: Boy, these people really love their alphabet soup, they seem to read out of it all the time.

>but i coundlet put my fingure in it....

Chaz: Random question for you guys…do you think the author means “finger” or “figure”?
Rune: I’d say finger, but if it is, what is she sticking it in?
Raja: A figure?
Rune: A figure of what?
Demi: No, I think she’s trying to figure out who was laughing.
Chaz: Then what do fingers have to do with anything?
Demi: I don’t know. Shall we discuss “coundlet” now?
Rune: “Couldn’t” or “countless”?
Raja: “But I countless put my figure in it”.
Chaz: Maybe she’s a model.
Demi: With countless figures?
Chaz: Maybe she has a lot of clones that don’t all have the same figure.
Rune: Guys, I think that’s the closest we’ll get to making sense of this sentence.

>who was it??
>"who is it"
>"its me" the lite was turned on and i could see thar it was amy

Raja: [As if Amy] I hope you like my new Troyer Farms potato chip lamp.

>"Amy!!" i coughed

Chaz: I’m not Amy, I’m just her evil clone.

> relaz" she cood, smiling as she pulled out a needle

Demi: And Viki relaxes while Amy sews a small blanket onto her skin.

>"but you have the thing" i cried

Rune: [As if Amy] Yes, he’s imprisoned in the basement, along with the Human Torch, the Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic.

>"it will make u butter i pomise" she smiled

Chaz: [As if Amy] The store was out of butter and I’ve got a major hankering for some toast!

>stabbing me over and over with teh sharpie

Raja: [As if author] Hey, stop drawing polka dots on me! If you wanna play connect the dots, go find yourself a connect the dots book!

>all i coukd do was cry...

Demi: Mommy, the shots hurt!

>i then passed out agin

Demi: Oh, they’re passing out gin! THAT explains this story!
Raja: That and the mushrooms.

>and when i woke up she waz goen. i got up and ran out of the room, leaving the bilding >asap!. but i wuz tried that i past out agian.........

Chaz: [As if author] Don’t mind me getting up and leaving, Amy! I’m just going to try to pass out outside the building now! Just come and get me in a couple of minutes!

>"viki" i herd some1 calling me...

Raja: Doesn’t “herd” imply “large group”?
Demi: Since when does proper English matter?
Raja: Oh, right, forgot that, sorry.
Rune: I think the bigger question is this…when did she wake up to hear anyone calling her in the first place?

>where was it?? who was it, WHOP??

Rune: Half a Burger King Whopper to the rescue!
Chaz: Always freshly grilled!

>"plx, open ur eyes,im here 4 u"

Raja: For 4 of you, now let’s make that clear.


Demi: Dun dun dunnn!

>"im here 2"
>i opent me eyes
>and i was laying in a bed.

Rune: As opposed to lying on the ceiling.

>hugh was there, and so was amy!
>"Hugh!" i cried.. "amy!" i glared @ her glumily

Chaz: I’m never touching that ISP.

>"i thought u wnted 2 kil me"

Raja: [As if Amy] Yes, I wanted to kill you twice, just like you said. Now lay back down and let me finish the job!

>"no silly" she laffed "wake up"

Rune: You got it! [Casts wat on the screen.]

>and just like dat i woke was just a dream after all

Chaz: I think that’s the big twist, we better act surprised.
Rune, Raja, Demi: Ooo…

>i sat up and cryed. i cryed realyl really hard!!
>and i saw that i was somewhere else

Demi: As opposed to over there.

>.... it looked liek hughs place agauin

Raja: [As if author] Got any alphabet soup?

>"hello" i said getting up

Rune: Had happened at all.

>"hello" i repesated thinking
>that no1 would know

Chaz: But the nothingness will know all your darkest secrets!

>"hi" he came uop

Demi: [Jazzy rhythm] Do-op do-op ah uop shaddy da boom bay!

>from behind me
>"omg where did u coem from??" i asked loudly

Rune: From behind you! It says so two lines up! Pay attention!


Raja: “Plx?” Are you kidding me?! She can’t even get her text-speak right!

>tell me dat this isn't a nother dream!!"

Chaz: I wish this was just a dream!

>he hugged me "it is not my beloved viki

Demi: [As if Hugh] But I can pretend it is.

>i love you and want u 2

Rune: [As if Hugh] Never see me again.

>marry me"
>"oh hugh!" i cried may tears of joy
>"hold it" rudo barged in ith his gun and poitnted it @ hugh.......

Raja: As opposed to the gun barging in with Rudo and pointing him at Hugh.

>i held my breth and shut my eyez brasing myself 4 the shot and wehn it boomed i >screamed "rudo u jerky did u do that??"

Demi: Bad Slim Jim! No! You do not murder people! NO!

>i opend my eyes and saw hugh dead. i cried but i was eventually ovr it

Rune: In a matter of minutes, the corpse in the room was ignored.
Chaz: How do you ignore that? It’s like having a cave that houses a man-eating monster in your backyard and pretending it doesn’t exist.
Raja: Or going to a party and there’s something floating in the punch bowl…
Demi: [Smarmy voice] Lovely party, Jeff, but there’s a turd in the punch bowl.

>"rudo" i repeted "wyh..."
>"cuz i love u more tahn he evr has viki, damn it!!!" (srry 4 the language lol i think it waz called 4)

Demi: Arbitrary apology for bad language brought to you by the number 4.

>"dam it" and he cried 2

Raja: Cried for 2 what? Seconds? Minutes? Weeks? What?
Rune: Cried for 2 dams.
Raja: What does that mean?
Rune: I don’t know, ask the author.
Chaz: Cried so much it took two dams to stop the tears from flooding the city?
Raja: Ah! That must be it.

>we held reach other

Demi: With a brand of dental floss….ew, that’s a bad image…

>and cried then we left

Chaz: So…they just leave a guy’s corpse laying in the middle of a room?
Demi: Well, you know, rats need to eat too.

>and got married.

Rune: Um…wow.
Raja: [As if Viki] Rudo, I’m going to marry you even though you brutally murdered the man I love so that we can spend the rest of our lives together fleeing from the police!

>we nvr 4got about u hugh!!!

Demi: How could you? You left his corpse in the room! I imagine the stench of a rotting corpse would be hard to forget!

>we even named our kids aftr u and amy


Rune: So Amy died too?
Chaz: In a fire, I guess. Poor, pointless Amy.

[They file out of the theater back to the bridge.]

Raja: Y’know…reading that horrible, horrible piece of fanfiction gave me an idea.
Rune: Oh boy, and what is that, old man?
Raja: Demi, do you have a word processor installed on you?
Demi: [Glares silently.]
Raja: I don’t know how to read android facial expressions. Chaz, Rune, help me out here.
Chaz: I think the rough translation of that one is “touch me and die.”
Rune: Raja, leave her alone. And Zio’s calling…[he and Chaz turn towards the communicator and Rune presses it.]
Demi: [When their backs are turned, mouths something at Raja.]
Raja: HEY! That was just plain mean!


Zio: I see you survived my torture.


Chaz: We managed.


Zio: Well, even if you won round one, that will not stopping me from trying to drive you insane. [Shows them enormous stacks of paper.] That is just one of the many pieces of horrible writing out there, and I will continue to try to break your spirits by making you read the most horrible fiction in existence! Juza and I will continue looking, but for now…enjoy your break. [Joins Juza in sorting through paper.]


Rune: [Raises eyebrows.] I see. We could be stuck here a while…
Chaz: Stuck on a satellite with Raja? [Exchanges looks with Rune and Demi.]
Rune: Okay…Chaz, Raja, and I will start devising a plan to escape this satellite. Demi, you go fix that engine.
Raja: What? But this’ll be fun!
Chaz: Raja, come on! [He and Rune grab Raja and drag him off the bridge, leaving Demi alone.]
Demi: [Glares after them.] Oy…[Produces a stool and gets on it. She opens a panel over the controls, and installs a camera in there, takes a tiny chip off it, and then shuts the panel. She climbs off the stool, puts it away, and attaches the chip to her gauntlet.] That should do it. [She leaves for the engine room, snickering.]

[End episode 1.]
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