Once upon a time, when the world was young and Phantasy Star hadn't been ruined too terribly by a terrible terrible Xbox 360 game, its equally bad expansion, and an incomprehensible DS entry, there was a man named Chris. Chris loved himself JRPGs, and still does to this day, the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Fourteen. But he today is not the same man he was eleven years ago, and so he took his money, headed to the local GameStop, pointed proudly at a new boxed copy of the Game Boy Advance title Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, and said "That. I want that."
Chris paid his forty dollars, drove home in his terrible secondhand car, and when he arrived, gingerly tore the wrapper off the box and plugged the game into his cobalt blue Game Boy Advance SP. He enjoyed Castlevania: Circle of the Moon, and would be disappointed to hear years later that Koji Igarashi said CotM was non-canon because [no answer given], but that is a tale for another time.
The Game Boy Advance loaded up, and Harmony of Dissonance was go. From the moment the title screen and tune started, he knew things would not be All Right.
"...What the crap is this?" Chris asked nobody in particular. "Why does the music sound like really bad 8-bit chiptunes? Why is the character art so gothic? Why is there no double-tap the D-pad to run? Why do I have to go into the submenu to switch between using magic and using subweapons? Why does the Bible subweapon manage to pull the impressive feat of being a worse weapon than the Holy Water?"
Chris sat there, staring at the adventures of Jeist Belmont, with a look of utter dismay on his face. After some contemplation, he decided to press on. This would later be considered A Mistake.
"Why are most of the backgrounds in Dracula's Castle so damn ugly?" he wondered aloud. "This reminds me of the Edge from Phantasy Star IV, which was a much better game than this. Why do I have to go to Side A or Side B of Dracula's Castle like in The Goonies II, which was also a much better game, and by the same company no less? Why is there no way to tell on the map which points you can switch over? Why is there a random room in Dracula's Castle for Jeist to decorate? Why am I playing this when I could be playing a much better game, or staring at my blank wall?"
Chris sadly turned off his Game Boy Advance, removed the offending game from it, and sighed with the desperation of a man in deep thought. He has not played HoD for close to nine years now; the cartridge sits in his GBA case among such "luminaries" in his library like Wolfenstein 3D, an incompetent, slow-running, music-less, badly blurred port of the revolutionary first-person shooter; Dragon Ball Z: Legend of Goku II, which was a competent action RPG, though linear and containing some badly-drawn character pictures; and of course, Tales of Phantasia, a badly-translated, badly-ported, slowed-down, terribly washed-out port of the PlayStation classic that started the series, with voice acting so subpar even the grunts made when the protagonist swings his sword sound like he'd rather be loafing on his couch.
If there is one silver lining to this cloud of crap, the Sacred Fist subweapon in HoD happily reminded Chris of Fist of the North Star, except without "WOOTATATATATATATATATAT You are already dead." "NOOOoooOOOOoooooo- (headsplosion)."
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