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PostPosted: Sat Mar 6, '10, 9:38 pm
A Sadly Much-Delayed Episode IX: This Is Why Rolf Can't Have Nice Things

Five beers. Ultra Macho Man had crushed Small Rob like an accordion, and was proceeding to play a hideous tune with the boxer to Kain's torment.

Four beers. Ultra Macho Man was now forgoing boxing gloves entirely, injecting Small Rob with anti-steroids. As was usual, Sonic the Hedgehog didn't care- he only showed up to count the small boxer out.

Three beers. With great profanity, Kain had managed to match Ultra Macho Man blow-for-blow, and had (for once) put up a reasonably competent fight. As he swayed at the arcade cabinet, the in-game crowd cheered as Sonic rolled into the ring, his familiar *keeeee!* starting to grind on the young man's ears.

"Tails scores it 53-47, ROB! Knuckles scores it 38-38, TIE!"

"Baaaah," Kain grumbled. "Ah'm sure it's just rand'mly generatin' numbers. Any idjut off th' street can make a d% roller." (he pronounced it "dee-percentile.")

"Aaaaaand Robuttnik scores it 79-19, and our winner by majority decision- ROB! *keeeeSHOOO!*"

He stood, trying to understand that, just this once, it seemed, the game had shown some psychotic kind of mercy upon him. Kain started a cheer which quickly died into fits of coughing and choking as he sputtered beer.

"Wh... whooo! Ah beat that bad'un steroid junkie!" he managed. "Now onto th' Big One! End Guy! Th' Final *&^(*&^!$#!"

The screen blanked before him. A triumphant fanfare played as words appeared on screen: "Now it's time for the Dream Fight! You vs. 'Dynamite' Duke Togo!!!"

The arena reappeared, and a massive, dark-haired boxer marched valiantly towards the boxing ring. Kain gulped uncomfortably- even though the boxer was a sprite drawing, there was an eerie resemblance between it and photographs of the real "Dynamite" Duke. Steeling himself as best he could, he gripped the joystick, watching the usual pre-fight banter.

"Dynamite" Duke: I'm gonna make you wish your mommy never slept with your daddy, boy!
Small Rob: Any last-second advice, Dengarengba?!
Dengarengba Gulv: (footsteps running away) (land rover door slamming) (land rover tires screeching) (Teleport Station activating) (spaceship taking off)
Small Rob: D=
"Dynamite" Duke: I will BREAK thee!

"Some )&(^*! advice!" Kain shouted at the screen. "C'mon, Referee Blue Hedgehog Sonic... judge this'un fairly... just once, 'kay? Ah promise Ah won't pirate yer new game... well, not 'til six months later."

If the hedgehog had heard Kain, then he made no sign of showing it. All he said was his usual "Fight!" before rolling off-screen, the familiar *keeeeee!* now a harsh metallic sound to Kain as he took the game's controls.

Three beers left, he thought, concentrating intently on the game screen. On the final boss. Pace yerself, Kain. Y'can do this, an- "WHAT?!"

"Dynamite" Duke had swung both fists at Kain's boxer, catching him aside the head. Furious, Kain counterpunched, groaning as the punch had no effect on Duke. Instead, Small Rob shook his hand in pain.

"Guh... mah hand's broken!? Whut kinda bad'un BS is this!?" he shouted, reaching down for one of his few remaining beer bottles. "S'okay, Ah've got the other'un, an'-"

There was no time to react. Duke had already elbow-smashed Small Rob, and was attempting to headbutt him. Kain managed to duck it, replying with a punch from Rob's one good hand.

"C'mon... do some damage... gotcha! Fast'n furious! Hahaaaaaa!"

The one punch devolved into a rapid flurry of punches that, to Kain's surprise, managed to knock down the three-time Motavian Heavyweight Boxing Champion. With a loud whoop, he opened two of his beer bottles, pouring the contents into his mouth (and missing badly). "Yfeaaaaaah! Ah'm-a on top of th' world!" he shouted, spraying beer everywhere.

Sonic rolled into the ring, his sprite colliding with Duke's. Duke exploded with a soft "Bwoo," as a bird fluttered away. Garbage characters started writing themselves on the screen while Sonic slowly, painfully, counted to ten.

Kain spat out his beer with a loud "Oh WHAT TH' HELL!", frantically shaking the game cabinet as he shouted, "OhmyGod! Dukewasabadnikallalong andth' programmin'errorandtheinsanedifficultyandthe... NOOOOOOOOoOOoooooooo(*!"

Then he slammed his fists on the cabinet, swearing incomprehensibly in Motavian for a full ten seconds as the screen changed to read






Kain closed his eyes, finding a brief moment of clarity in his alcohol-induced madness. Stay calm, he urged himself. Do whut it was Rolf did last year. Y'need 'em all. Rolf's Megid. Rudo's big honkin' gun, Miss Anna's slashers. Miss Shir's backstabbin', and Hugh's Sa Vol thing. Hell, even Miss Amy tripped a few people with those staff thingies she has. With their power and yers combined, Kain, yer gonna' BEAT this game.

His eyes opened, narrowing in anger. Around his right hand, sparkles of Technical Energy suddenly formed as he reared his fist back. "Ah'm th' Sega MASTER!" he shouted. As he brought his fist through the game's screen, Kain shouted, "NA GAJ!"

The Technical Energy resolved into a concentrated burst of electromagnetic energy that coursed through the entire arcade cabinet, zeroing out entire blocks of programming as well as carbonizing circuits and wires. Within seconds, Kain's particular cabinet of "Dynamite" Duke's Fisticuffsmanship!! was reduced to a charred black monolith, ruined beyond any hope of repair. But that wasn't enough for the teal-haired man. Mustering his strength, he pushed the burned-out cabinet over, then started throwing punches at it as he screamed in fury.

"Holy crap! Someone call the cops!" someone shouted.

"Is he on drugs!?"

"What the hell's his problem?!"

Kain heard none of this as he pounded on the arcade game, screaming at it, ")&^(%!% son of Columns! DIE! you stupid pile of silicon! You illegitimate Genesis! Die, you NES from hell! Die, you ceramic mother(*^)_(&!!! Die! DIE! DIEEEE!"

Pieces of wood and damaged ceramic were sent flying into the crowd as Kain wailed on the machine, battering it into charred rubble with his fists and a well-aimed Na Zonde manifestation. After he lifted what remained of the monitor over his head, Kain hurled it to the ground, driving his foot through the screen for good measure. Glass from the monitor tore into his foot through his sandal, but Kain paid no attention as he focused Technical Energy into one more Na Zonde burst, focusing the resultant concussive force into crushing what remained of the arcade cabinet. He then picked up his last beer bottle, took a long swig, then sauntered out of the arcade, singing victoriously to himself as he ignored the horrified stares of the arcadegoers.

"(poor imitation of bassline) Billie Jean's not mah lover, she's jest a girl who claims that Ahhhh am th' one (oh nooo)... but th' kid is not mah son..."

Footsteps, loud and staccato on the boardwalk, swiftly approached Kain from behind. He casually walked away from the arcade, still singing badly as the footsteps grew louder. After passing several snack kiosks, the source of the steps caught up to him. Kain found himself spun around, a large hand on his shoulder as he was face-to-face with two men and a younger woman, all wearing blue uniforms he recognized as similar to Rolf's own Motavian Security Administration uniform. Unlike Rolf's uniform, the chest protectors on these uniforms each bore a blue mark instead of a red one. Public Security, not Tactical Recon, Kain guessed. Composing himself as best as he could, he slurred, "So... Offishers, swhat shesms t' be th' prioblem?"

"Sir, you do understand Oputa has open container laws, right?" the female officer replied, gesturing to Kain's half-full beer bottle. "You can't go around drinking that in public."

"It's not beer, Ah sshewar. It's... its' soda. Jeshus Juice."

"Sir, are you drunk?" one of the male officers asked. "You know there's public intoxication laws too, Sir?"

"Hold up, Wilner," the other officer interrupted. "This guy matches the description of that drunk from Jenx South..."

"We got a lot of calls about you... menacing children, destruction of property..."

"Baaaaaaaah, ya'c ant prove a thing, Ossifers," Kain managed. "Ah'm innocent ofo all charrages."

"Sir, we're placing you under arrest. Please come quietly," the female officer ordered, reaching for a pair of Plasma Rings at her waist. "Drop the bottle, turn around, and put your hands behind your head."

Still clutching his beer bottle, Kain raised his hands behind his head, then turned around. The three officers partially expected him to put the bottle down, then drop to his knees in submission. Instead, Kain chucked the beer bottle at one of the three, shouting "Ya'll nnever take ME aliave, coppersh! Nobiody stopsh th' Kainsther! *hic*"

Then he bolted, the three officers in pursuit.


It had only been an hour, but Hugh and Amy had managed to make a decently-sized sand castle. The redhead smiled as she patted down a protective wall, saying, "I think there's something to be said about this, Hugh."

"It's fun. I haven't really done this all that much when I was younger," Hugh replied, shifting backwards to prop up one of the castle's turrets.

"Neither have I. It's..." Smiling again, Amy continued, "I can't help but think about, when we get married... we'll be making a place of our own."

"Mmhmm. We can have coworkers visit us, help us with a housewarming," Hugh replied. "And no insane ex-girlfriends."

"Right. No ex-girlfriends. Just coworkers, our friends, and..." Amy blushed, then stepped closer to Hugh. She brought her lips to his ear, then whispered, "...Maybe in a few years, we can have a baby."

Hugh suddenly froze in terror, nearly toppling into the sand castle face-first. Catching himself at the last second, he sat back and said, "A baby?"

"Of course! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Bringing someone into the world, and loving them unconditionally..." Amy's eyes sparkled as she continued, "That's the most beautiful thing about love. The gift of life follows it."

Hugh sighed, looking Amy in the eyes as he composed himself. "Well... we're doctors," he said. "That's what we're known for, Amy."

"I didn't mean that kind of giving life. I meant... giving life." Taking Hugh's hands, Amy brushed them across her stomach slightly. "This kind of giving, Hugh," she explained with a sincere smile.

Hugh's hands remained in Amy's, gently rubbing around her belly button. His face creased with thought as he considered what Amy had just told him. His hands lingered in place on Amy's stomach for a few seconds before he embraced the redhead, whispering to her, "In a few years, Amy. Once we have everything sorted out. Then we can have a baby. I promise."

"In a few years, then. When we're a little older and wiser."

They remained in their embrace for a minute, before Hugh said, "Amy? Maybe we should make plans for the next few years, then..."

"We should."

"Well, for star- what the hell?!"

The responsive question didn't even escape Amy's lips before Hugh pulled her down on top of him. Blushing, Amy squirmed slightly and said, "Hugh, I know beaches are romantic and prone to such liasons, but... right now?! In front of all these people?!"

There was no reply from Hugh, only a slightly confused, horrified, and disgusted expression on his face as his eyes tracked a massive shadow passing over them, seemingly in slow motion to the purple-haired man. A familiar voice followed, "Guys, Ah needs yer help!" as it trailed off downbeach.

Mechanically, Hugh sat back up, gently nudging Amy off of himself, clearly unnerved by whatever it was he had just seen. Amy placed a hand on his shoulder, asking, "Hugh? Are you okay? What happened?"


"Did you see something-" By chance, she glanced over Hugh's shoulder, then just as quickly averted her gaze, her cheeks red as she buried her face into Hugh's chest. "Oh my goodness."

"I... did not need to see... oh, my God..."

"That was Kain, wasn't it?" Amy asked.

"It sounded like him," Hugh replied. "Why was he naked?"

Three uniformed security officers rushed around the couple just then, obviously chasing Kain. One of them said to the others, "There he is! You're just adding to the laundry list of felonies, pal!"
They then took off down the beach as another officer replied, "Taking your clothes off isn't gonna make you run faster!"

Hugh waited a few seconds for the commotion to move further away before he said to Amy, "He's not going to be on call for babysitting anytime soon."

"Certainly not."


"Mmm... mm..."

Shir couldn't lie about it- she liked kissing Rolf. There was, to her, a certain thrill about it- something she couldn't explain. Part of her decided she was just doing it to tease the blue-haired man. Another, more vocal part of her psyche thought that maybe, just maybe, she had more than feelings of friendship in mind.

"Hey, Rolf? Shir?"

She paid the two intruding voices no mind- all Shir was focused on was her lips, pressed up against Rolf's, parting ever so slightly as his tongue started to push forward-

"Motavia to Rolf and Shir. Come in."

Grrrrrr, there'd better be a mountain of Meseta in front of me if I open my eyes, she thought as she pulled away from Rolf. Turning to her side, she only saw Rudo and Anna, both looking amused.

"What the?! Where's my money?!" Shir exclaimed.

"What money?" Rudo asked. "We were just putting our stuff in the lockers. There's no money."

"Did you two need a few more minutes, or are you ready to go?" Anna asked.

"Oh! Uh..." Rolf sweatdropped, noticing his hands at Shir's back, starting to undo the snaps that held her bikini in place. Awkwardly moving them away, he blurted out, "We're good. We were just, uh... strategizing."

"Yeah, that's it! Strategizing!" Shir added.

Rudo and Anna looked at each other, then to Rolf and Shir. "That's what you kids call it these days?" Rudo asked, amused.

"No. Don't answer that, you two," Anna interrupted. She passed a blister pack of gum to Rolf and Shir, adding, "Here's your gum."

With that, the four headed out onto the sand, each taking out a piece of the oxygen-giving Maruera gum. "What's the plan, anyway, Shir?" Rudo asked.

"Well, we meet up with the private army in the sub, we get on board, we find Rita, and boom!" Shir kicked the sand, sending a small cloud into the air. "Quantum and chronitron torpedoes away!"

"You just made those up," Rudo said.

"Did not! Anyway, sending a couple of torpedoes at Rita should tell her to not mess with our friends! XD"

Anna hesitated. "Wait... your sub has actual torpedoes?" she asked Shir.


"Look, Shir, I know there's no kill like overkill, but..." Rudo sighed, remembering the devastation of Arima. "Torpedoes have this funny way of blowing up."

"Which'll kill more people than just Rita," Anna added. "And they're still trying to get the clone labs fixed."

"And that's assuming the torpedoes don't beach themselves first," Rudo also added. "And if those blow up on the beach, that's gonna kill a lot of people..."

"I know each of us killed some Earthmen, Shir, but we're not mass murderers," Rolf finished. "Can we think of something else? Please?"

"Oh, all right, fine!" Taking Rolf's visiphone, Shir redialed the last number called. "...Hey, Crispin. Boss Gold here. Do me a favor? Can we not use the quantum torpedoes? .....Quantum, transphase, whatever..... Oh, the code. Right. I already used that last one, so... 'Too late. Graham collapses and dies of extreme thirst in the hot desert sun. If only he had found an oasis!'"

There was some hesitation on the line for a few seconds, then Shir continued, "'Drying for a drink, Graham?!' .....Okay! ...Wait, you're where?! Whaddya mean, Uzo Island?! ...Oh, dammit guys! .....Oh. I'm sorry, guys! I didn't know it was your day off, too! Have fun! XD"

"They're at Uzo Island?" Rolf asked as Shir tucked his phone into her bikini. "I thought you said they were offshore?"

"Yeah, I guess he heard 'Uzo' instead of 'Oputa' before. So... Plan B for Revenge! On! Rita!" Shir explained. "Rolf crawls behind her, Anna pushes her over, Rita falls over Rolf!"

"And we get to deal with the cops," Anna finished. "I don't wanna do that."

"I still say we just leave her alone," Rolf said. "We can just stay away from her."

"No! This is Serious Business, Rolf!" Shir replied, her eyes blazing. "We're gonna teach her a lesson she won't forget, and I have JUST! THE! PLAN!"


Nearly out of breath, Kain ducked into a row of lockers, struggling to hold his breath until he heard the sounds of the three officers diminishing. Once he was sure they couldn't hear him, he started heaving for breath.

"Gtta's think," he slurred, staggering among the rows. "Ah needs a disguise, smethin' t' hide from. Needs a locker. Lessee..."

After a few steps, he paused at a locker. He paused to take a few deep breaths, then gave the lock a gentle turn. "Combination lock, with keyed countermeas...countermaes... bypass. Ah can crack this'un, even drunk a bit. Let's see... start with th' classics. Startim' from th' top, Miss Amy's thirty-eight... twenty..."

The last number clicked into place, and Kain gave the locker door a firm tug. "Bhhh, nuthin'," he grumbled. "Lessee... Miss Annie's... thirty-six, twenty-two... guhhhhh. How big's her butt?"

In his mind, he could hear Anna shouting at him, Keep staring and I'll tear your eyes out, Kain! He twisted the last number into the cylinders, then tried the lock again. "Damn it, lock! What's th' deal!? Last'un... Miss Shir's a... naaaah, nobody uses combos based on flat-chested women."

Then he heard Shir's voice calling to him, Kaiiiin! I'm not flat-chested! With a resigned sigh, Kain tried one last combination.

"One-two-three-four-five-six," he said. "C'mon, jackpot... BINGO!"

Inside the locker were a pile of clothing, likely belonging to several people. There was no time to waste, Kain realized. He reached into the locker, grabbing a dull gray Hawaiian shirt that looked somewhat familiar to him. "Meh, Ah can prolly fashion it inta' loincloth or somethin'... .....There we go. What else..."

He took another shirt out, a light collared shirt with a sky-blue plaid design. Something about this shirt also seemed familiar to him, but he couldn't place it in his drunken state. As he tried the blue shirt on, he rolled his shoulders. "A lil' loose, but it'll work," he grumbled. There was also a pair of denim shorts, their legs cut very short, seemingly with a pair of scissors. "Look like women's shorts, but better'n nothin'..."

Four pairs of sandals remained in the locker, along with two visiphones, a pair of mirrored sunglasses, and several wallets. Kain unhesitatingly took the sunglasses and wore them, along with one of the larger pairs of sandals. Leaving the wallets as they were, he slammed the locker shut, turning the numbers in the lock cylinder as he did so.

There we go. Now... He ran his hands through his hair, fluffing it out of its usual style. Ah'd say thas' a total +10 t' Disguise... lessee how Ah do.

Kain stepped out of the locker room. The trio of officers was nowhere in sight. Just as luckily, nobody seemed to recognize him from the arcade. He breathed a sigh of relief, then headed downbeach. Now... somethin' t' eat. Somethin' t' get rid of th' booze goin' through me...

"Well, well. I thought that bluenette from before was good looking, but you're quite the catch yourself."

It was a woman's voice, off to his side, and quickly moving over to him. Glancing over, Kain saw a pink-haired woman in a very revealing bikini, giving him a very seductive smile. "Ah. Well, thanks kindly, Miss," he replied. "You're quite th' looker yerself, iffin I'se say so."

"And you have good taste in women," the woman replied. Her green eyes sparkled as she sized Kain up. "Yep. Quite a catch, indeed." Running a finger up Kain's chest, she purred, "Doin' anything tonight?"

"Well, Ah was gonna meet up with some friends-"

"Friends. Well..." She ran a perfectly polished pink fingernail gently up Kain's neck. "I think you can cancel. I'm skipping work tomorrow anyway."

"Ah. Sounds cool, then! Ah'm Josh Kain, but you can call me Th' Kainster!"

"'The Kainster.' Well, I'm Rita Imito. But... you can call me Rita, handsome."

Next Episode Preview: Rudo, Anna, and Rolf experience Shir's master plan! Kain unwittingly goes on a recon mission! Hugh and Amy sort the future out!

Anna: Four months of typing, and this is what we have to show for it?!
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