Episode VII: "The plot's getting thick. Like Shir's skull." *bonk*
"Yes!" Amy cried out, joyful tears streaming down her cheeks as she threw herself into Hugh's arms. "Oh, my God, Hugh, I... I..."
"Ssh." The purple-haired man just hugged Amy close to him, gently rubbing the small of her back with his hands. "I'm sorry it came out this way, Amy. I wanted it to be special."
"It was, Hugh... because you were the one to do it."
The redhead sighed, resting her head upon the base of Hugh's neck. Her voice was muffled slightly as she continued, "I'm so happy..."
"Aww, isn't this cute?!" Shir called, waving at the two. "Isn't it, Rolf?! Hugh and Amy are such a cute couple. ^_^"
"Well, that was kinda a given," Rolf replied. "Shouldn't we leave them to themselves for a little?"
"Naaaah. Hey, Hugh! Show her the ring!"
Hugh sweatdropped. "Oh, yes. That... that would be traditional, wouldn't it?" he asked. Reaching around in his scarf, his hand closed around the ring box tucked away. "There we are."
"Hugh, you didn't have to do this..." Amy was still shocked, as well as nearly speechless, but still genuinely appreciated what Hugh was doing. She smiled as Hugh slipped the ring onto her finger. "It's so..."
"Crappy."
A pink-haired woman had approached the couple, her lingerie-like bikini clinging to her body as she circled around them. Giving Hugh a needlessly sarcastic smirk, she said, "Always settling for second best, eh, Hugh?"
"Wait, WHAT!?" Shir said. "Who the %^$ is that!? Why's she ruining their special moment?!"
"Probably some jealous woman, upset her own boyfriend won't propose," Rolf told her. He took a bite of his hamburger, then continued, "Psychotic ex? Somebody still upset over having to, God forbid, actually hold a 9-to-5 because we killed Mother Brain last year?"
Shir grabbed Rolf's head and faceplanted it into his burger. "Oh, go eat your lunch, Rolf," she grumbled.
"Mmrrph."
There was a distinct look of terror on Hugh's face as the woman questioned him, the thought holy $%!#, holy (&^!, not now! running through his mind as she looked at Amy's ring. "Rose gold?" she asked. "And amethyst. Of course... that's what a cheapskate would buy..."
"Excuse me!" Amy interrupted, jerking her hand away from the woman in pink. "Hugh put a lot of thought into this ring, and I don't appreciate a complete stranger just approaching me and criticizing us!"
"Oh? Complete stranger?" The woman turned to Amy, smirking at her. "Hugh never told you, did he? He never told you about his old girlfriend who knew him oh-so-well four years ago? He never told you about... this?" She struck a pose, raising her arms behind her head, deliberately flaunting herself.
"He told me about an old girlfriend from Piata Academy. One that left him for two of her professors."
"Mmhmm. That'd be me, sugar."
With a resigned, defeated sigh, Hugh said, "Amy, this is Rita Imito, my ex-girlfriend. Rita, this is Amy Sage, my fiancee."
"First, it's Doctor Rita Imito, and don't you forget it. And believe me, the pleasure's all yours," Rita interrupted. Turning back to Amy, her eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute... I recognize your face. You were all over the news last year!"
Amy sweatdropped. "Well, I try not to talk about it too much..." she started, as uncomfortable images of Mother Brain started to return to her, proclamations of doom still echoing in her mind.
"Well, that's understandable. So you let all the profit from the biggest medical breakthrough in Algo's history just fumble through your fingers?" Rita chuckled. "And you call yourself a doctor. You're not fit to hold a scalpel."
The couple knew exactly what Rita was talking about- Amy had created the medical compound Solar Wind, capable of regenerating even the worst wounds within minutes, as well as staunching poison and paralytic compounds common to Biomonsters. Even better- it worked on any humanoid in Algo, not just Palmans. The formula was worth untold billions of Meseta, every news outlet on Motavia announced.
Instead, Amy refused to profit off it, publishing the formula under public domain.
"You sat on a fortune, and you gave it away," Rita continued. "You gave away a license to print more money than God."
"I didn't become a doctor for the salary," Amy retorted. "I did it so I could help people."
"To 'help people.' Idealism doesn't put food on the table, sugar- money does. Hugh, this is the best you can do? Really? Is she really worth marrying?"
"Yes, Rita." Hugh looked Rita in the eyes as he continued, "She's a wonderful woman, someone I've been through hell and back with, and she hasn't lost her idealism. "
Rita scoffed, taking a step closer to Hugh. "Well, anytime you get tired of Doctor Charm here-" She nodded dismissively to Amy. "-And you decide you'd like to spend some time with a real woman again, you give me a call. An-y-time." Her green eyes sparkled as she ran a finger up Hugh's chest. "I'll be glad to... oblige."
I'd rather rip my toenails out, he thought.
From their table nearby, Shir's fists clenched unconsciously. "God, that woman's such a jerk!" she told Rolf. "What I wouldn't give to knock out some of her teeth!"
"Shir, calm down. Think this over," Rolf pleaded. "What would Anna say to you right now if she were here?"
"'Knife her in the jugular, that's where her soul is?'" the green-haired woman replied, grinning like a hangman at the gallows.
"You're not stabbing anybody, Shir. We're here to relax and unwind. Besides, you left your daggers home."
"That's what YOU think. XD"
Rolf rolled his eyes, then raised an eyebrow as Rita once again grabbed Amy's hand. "Now what's she doing?" he asked. "C'mon, lady, take the hint, the Hugh train left the station, he's with Amy now, get over it. Leave them aloh my God, those are melons."
"Dammit, Rolf! Stop staring at Rita's chest, and start staring at mine for once! >_<"
"But they're so... boing."
Rita made a sudden lash away from Amy, clutching something in her hand. Rolf realized immediately what had just happened, judging by Amy's terrified face, and the angry expression on Hugh's. "All right, this has gone on far enough. Shir, I'm gonna go put a stop to this right now. C'mon, let's go!"
"..... >_<" Shir rose from the table silently, her fists clenched to the point where her knuckles were turning white. Rolf swore he could see a faint red flicker in Shir's eyes.
Rita held Amy's ring in her hand, repeatedly mocking it, despite Hugh's protests that "It belonged to my grandmother" and "Rose gold was popular a hundred years ago," and ignoring Amy's increasingly angry "Give it back!" Finally, the pink-haired woman leered down at Amy. They stared each other down, Amy trying not to gag at the stench of tobacco that permeated Rita's breath. After a few seconds, Amy said, "Give me my engagement ring."
"It's a piece of crap, not a ring."
"Give. Me. That. Ring." she ordered.
"Or what, sugar?" Rita asked. "You'll heal me to death?"
"Give Amy her ring back. NOW."
"Awww, Little Miss Sugary Sweet wants her ring back?" Rita spun on her heel, flinging the ring towards the ocean in one swift motion. "It's a big beach, hon, so I hope you have a metal detector! Go find it- earn Hugh's love back!"
"Rita, you heartless-!"
"Now, there's no need for name-calling, Hugh. Gimme a call sometime- and tell your friends over there that if they hit me, I'll have the law on them so fast their heads will spin. Ta!"
Giving her bottom a wiggle, Rita blew Hugh a kiss before disappearing into the crowd. Shir caught the heart in mid-air, crushing it in her hand as she and Rolf approached Amy, who was staring at the beach with a heartbroken expression.
"Amy, I'm sorry," Rolf said. "We should have stepped in sooner."
"...It's okay."
"Amy, it's not okay! That &%!@# did something Totally! Unforgivable!" Shir replied. "Hugh, rear in gear! We're gonna find that ring, you're gonna put it on Amy's finger, and the two of you are gonna call your parents and say, 'We're getting married!'"
"Shir, I... thanks," Hugh said.
"Thank me later!" Shir sniffed the air, jerking her head towards the beach. "22 karat rose gold, with facet-cut amethyst. Seventeen... no. Eighteen steps... that-a-way, Hugh! Go! Go!"
Hugh immediately set off down the beach, dropping to hands and knees to take a closer look at the sand. After about a minute of searching, he rose, brushing sand off of himself and the ring. Amy ran over to him, slipping into a tight embrace. Apologetic murmurs from Hugh were heard, dotted every so often by Amy trying to speak, before deciding to go to a more universal language- a kiss, warm and sweet, on the lips.
"Rolf, you're gonna help me get revenge on Rita," Shir replied. "Watching Hugh and Amy make out like that is gonna give me diabetes if I keep watching it."
"They're just kissing. And since when was I involved in this revenge plot of yours?" he asked.
"Since I said so! Insulting someone's fiancee like that, demeaning a gesture of their love, and trying to steal him back by flaunting her body and not-so-thinly veiled suggestions?!" Shir rose to her feet, clenching her fist in raw determination. "I won't stand for it! Nobody makes fun of love, nobody hurts my friends, and nobody- NOBODY!! outclevers Shir Levinia Gold!"
For some unknown reason, Rolf couldn't help but imagine Shir in a skimpy sailor suit, complete with frilly skirt (Why is it always frilly? he thought) as she pointed in the direction Rita walked. "You hear me, Rita Imito?! In the name of Love and Algo, I'm gonna break your back!"
"Shir, are you finished?" Rolf asked, Shir's sailor suit fading back to her cheongsam bikini.
"Hang on a minute! ........................Yep. I'm finished."
"Good. Help me finish these fries and we'll go deal with Rita. Legally."
"Why, Rolf!" Shir said, sweatdropping. "You wouldn't think I'd do something like call the family army for artillery support, would you?! ^_^" ♪Gonna call, gonna call, wouldn't you believe it, I'm-a call the troops, they drop the S-Bomb. The Shir Bomb. ^_^
There was a brief silence before Shir took what was left of Rolf's lunch. Once she gulped the stray fries down, Rolf said, "Your visiphone's battery died, didn't it."
"While we were buying lunch. You don't wanna-"
Rolf chuckled. "Shirt pocket."
-=-=-
"This is the place?"
It was Saya Beach's most famous bar- Bartolo's Tiki Hut. Shielded from the midday sun, only a handful of people sat at tables or at the bar itself. Rudo shrugged and said, "Yeah. It gets popular at night. C'mon, let's go sit at the bar."
As they sat, Anna grumbled, "I don't like sitting with my back exposed."
"Anna, not everybody in Algo wants to kill you. And take the sunglasses off- you don't need them."
Rolling her eyes, Anna removed her sunglasses, tucking them into her bathing suit's neckline. "All right. So, how are we gonna do this?" she asked. "Match each other drink for drink?"
"Pretty much- I order two of something, you order two of something, and so on until..." Rudo stopped, realizing he hadn't much experience drinking anybody (besides Kain) under the table. "Until one of us falls off our stool," he finished. "It's not much, but it beats Kain-level there."
"Right. Yo, bartender!"
The bartender, a Motavian wearing an oversized Hawaiian shirt, turned to face Anna. Once he caught sight of Rudo, he tensed in horror, nearly dropping the glass he was wiping clean. "Oh, no! Not you again!" he cried, backing uneasily away from the giant blonde man.
"Good to see you again, Pyke," Rudo said.
"You two know each other?"
"Yeah. My regiment was stationed here back when I was in the army, so we'd come down here on our passes and knock some back with Pyke here." Rudo grinned and said, "Drunk soldiers are always fun to be with."
"Until they go for their weapons," Pyke called back.
"Oh, come on, Pyke! I pulled all the crossbow bolts out of your leg!"
Pyke's eyes narrowed, or as close as a Motavian's could, as he considered Rudo's words. "Then you tried to stab me with one of them!" he retorted, turning towards another customer in an attempt to get Rudo away from him.
"I was drunk, and you tried to stab me with a highball glass!"
"Only because you forced me under the beer tap and tried to drown me with beer!"
Anna sweatdropped, watching and listening to the back-and-forth between Rudo and the bartender for a few minutes. Okay, so Rudo has his Kain moments, too, she thought.
"Look, let's just try to put it all behind us. I shot you with a crossbow, you slammed my head into a broken bottle," Rudo eventually offered. "My eye healed perfectly, and your limp isn't that noticeable anymore."
".....Agreed, Palman," Pyke said. "So! What'll it be for you- and the lovely lady? Corporal Steiner, you didn't tell me you were dating again."
"She isn't my girlfriend!" "I'm not his girlfriend!"
Pyke nodded. "That's what they all say at first. Now, then- to the orders!"
"Two mugs of beer, Pyke," Anna told him. "And some pumpkin yogurt. It's that time of the year, I think."
"Gotcha. Anything to eat, Rudo?"
"Naaah, not really hungry right now," Rudo said. Motioning Pyke over, he added, "<To be implying that mine own boozemohol have the military discount for the daily, by jove?>"
Anna raised an eyebrow. Pyke chuckled, and replied, "<By jove, so shall it be! Let the Palm person Rudo be taking the military discount; jovial as bivalve mollusk he shall be!> And your Motavian's a little rusty."
"I try."
Once Pyke headed down the bar, Anna asked, "You realize I can speak Motavian too, right?"
"Oh crap."
"So what the hell is a 'military discount?' Ten percent off?"
Rudo stammered for a minute, then tentatively said, "Yeah. Something like that."
Minutes passed before Pyke returned, setting two mugs of beer before Rudo and Anna. "Your beers. The yogurt will be out in a minute, ma'am."
"Thanks, Pyke," Anna replied. Hoisting her mug, she added, "Okay, Rudo. Let's get this started."
The beer disappeared instantly, replaced with a fresh order for two more. Again, Rudo and Anna quickly drank the frothy ale, ordering more.
Anna sighed after her third glass, "That... that pumpkin yogurt's good. Cinnamon and booze... yummu."
"Never really liked pumpkin," Rudo replied. "Lisa and Louise loved pumpkin pie, so of course I get the 'Daddy, what's wrong?!' stare every Thanksgiving."
"No kiddin'. More beer, Pyyke!"
Another pair of mugs, then a pair of decorative steins. "Sorry about the steins- all the beer glasses are in the wash. I'd offer bottles," Pyke explained, "But some young man over at the arcade just ordered five cases. Fresh out of bottled, sorry."
"Kain." Anna's comment was short and venomous. "He stole our beer! We needs t' getit all back, Rudo! Make Shir go... steal it all fromhim... park it all back at Rolf's place. We can... we can tailgate party. &^_^"
"Naaah. The steins are fine," Rudo replied.
It was around the seventh order of beer Anna realized, "Heey, Rud... Ry... Rudy. Your last name's Steiner."
"...It's... been that for thirty-six years..."
"And... and we're drinking out of steins. ^_^"
"Sure are. Pyke, another round please?"
Pyke took the steins, coming back with two pilsners filled to the brim with beer. As the next half hour passed, the empty pilsner glasses were joined by the steins, several pint glasses, and a pair of wheat beer glasses. Damned Palmans, he thought. First that young punk buys all my bottled beer, and now these two are using up all my glassware.
Rudo was completely unaffected by his alcohol, while Anna was obviously wobbling on her stool. "An- an another thing!" she slurred, poking Rudo in the chest. "Mozher Brain... if she wash sho damned benevelo... bene... benenenene... GOOD... why did zshde wanna kill all ush Algoliansh, huh?!"
"...Anna, we've been through this. Dark Force corrupted the Earthmen and Mother Brain."
"Bull98&^#. I didn't shee no Dark Falz..." Anna burped. "But I shaw one biiiiiig computerr. Heyy, Pyke, buddy! You've got... youve got twnny pineapples onyet... on yerr shirt. Hehe."
"Corporal, your friend's drunk. I'm cutting you two off," Pyke said. "Here. One universal poison antidote, on the house."
"Thanks." Rudo shook the antidote, then slammed the injector into Anna's hip, hearing a slight hiss as the device kicked into effect. Seconds later, there was a pleasant beep as the injector disinfected itself, then opened up, ready for another dose of medicine. Anna stopped swaying as the fast-acting medicine took effect.
"Ugh... my head's splitting," Anna grumbled. "How bad were you?"
"Didn't affect me at all!" Rudo told her.
"Damn you. Looks like I lost this one, huh?"
Pyke grinned. "Well, if this is a competition, I'd call this one a draw."
"What are you talking about? Anna got more drunk than I did," Rudo protested.
"Because you cheated," the Motavian replied. "Ma'am, never drink with anybody who drinks on a military discount. Ever."
"Why the hell not?"
Rudo sweatdropped as Pyke turned to him. "Oh, this oughta be a good one, Corporal," he taunted.
"Anna... a military discount... it's military jargon. Code for 'non-alcoholic.'"
"What."
"Well, soldiers might have to go to war. They can't fight if they're sloshed."
Anna considered this for a second, then she glared at Rudo. "You... you magnificent..." Then she started laughing. "Oh, that was a good one!"
Rudo was stunned. "You're... you're not mad?"
"Very! But that was a good one... oh, Christ, my head." Turning to Pyke, Anna shouted, "Why'd you- aarrgh. Why'd you let me drink so much?!"
"Your friend assured me you could handle your liquor," the Motavian said, retrieving the emptied glasses of beer. "Thank the Light the bar's not busy yet- you two went through all my glasses. I almost had to serve you two with the Alex Kidd commemorative glasses."
"Long story," Rudo offered.
"Hey, it's a beach, I've got all day."
-=-=-
Face. Face. Jab. Body blow. C'mon, you-
Kain's grip on the joystick tightened as he watched Max Morgan go belly-up on the canvas, sighing with visible relief as Sonic rolled into the ring. "One!"
Ah wonder why he always counted me out faster than th' other guy, he thought as he watched the blue hedgehog's hand move up and down.
"Six! .........Seven! ...................Eight! ................Nine!"
Morgan groaned, struggling to push himself upright, before failing miserably and faceplanting. Kain let out a victory whoop as Sonic finished, "......Ten! KNOCKOUT!"
"Ha haaaaaa! Take that, you stupid wrestling... boxing... wrestling guy! You sucked in this game just like you sucked at Wrestle Fest!" Kain opened a beer bottle, gulping the entire twelve ounces in one long chug. Wiping foam from his mouth, he slung the bottle back into the cooler, then called out, "Who's next?! Ah'll take y'all on! Bring it, Dynamite Duke! Ah'm Joshua Kain, and Ah'm gonna beat ya into a painful red mess!"
"Jesus, man, chill out," the sprite drawing of Lutz seemed to say. "It's just a video game."
"Wh-?! Whosaidthat!?"
There was no answer, either from the arcade-goers or the video game itself. Kain helped himself to another beer, sucking the contents of the dark blue bottle down in several hasty sips. It's fine, he thought. Just the booze startin' t' kick in.
As he dropped the empty bottle back into the cooler, his next opponent appeared on-screen: A giant Motavian wearing boxing gloves- Murderin' Moatoob, the subtitles introduced him as. The Motavian pounded his fists together, then advanced on Small Rob.
"Fight! (ding!) *keeeeeeeeeee!*"
Left. Right. Duck, block. Punch punch punch... heeey. Somethin's wrong, Kain thought. This bad'un's actually takin' damage an' puttin' up a fair fight. Somethin's up.
Murderin' Moatoob went down in a hail of punches, and, as usual, Sonic spindashed into the ring to begin his count. As usual, Kain's opponent got up before the (very drawn-out) count of four, and glared, seeming, at Kain as he regained his footing. Just as he made one desperate punch, the bell rang.
"YahooO! This's th' first time Ah got t' round two!" Kain shouted, not noticing or caring that most of the patrons were ignoring him. "Time fr' trash talk and cutmanning!" He expected witty banter and a chance to heal his boxer's injuries. Instead, what he got was this:
Murderin' Moatoob: I'M GONNA EAT YOU HEART WITH BARBECUE SAUCE, PUNY MAN! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Small Rob: Help me, Dengarengba!
Dengarengba Gulv: Kid, you're BEYOND help. I've got a rifleman in the audience with standing orders to SHOOT you if you get punched even once. Now get back in that ring, or I'm gonna slice into you with bread knives!
Kain stared slack-jawed at the "advice" his trainer gave him. For a few seconds, he stood unable to even move the joystick, before crying out, "What kinda sadist (^@! WROTE this game!?"
"Why, only the best," the sprite drawing of Alisa replied. "Everyone loves Sega games."
"Now who's the real sadist, Joshua Kain?" the Myau sprite added. "The guy at Sega who programmed the game, or the guy in Oputa playing the game?"
"Baaaaaah, shaddap. You guys ain't real. You're just art."
"Are we?" the Tairon sprite asked as Murderin' Moatoob approached Small Rob. "You weren't around in 342. How would you know we aren't real?"
Kain glanced, briefly, down at the cooler next to the arcade game. Horrified, he wondered if one of the bar employees had slipped something into the beer he bought, his clarity returning for one brief instant.
"Naaaah. Jus' some easter egg in th' game," he grumbled, returning some of the Motavian's punches. As he wound up for an uppercut, Moatoob grabbed Small Rob, hoisting him off the ground in one massive hand. "Now that ain't right! Whut in tarna-"
His complaint was cut short as Murderin' Moatoob bit into Small Rob, spreading gore all over the boxing ring as he pecked at him repeatedly, eventually tearing the boxer's heart out. As Small Rob collapsed, Kain watched as the Motavian poured sauce on the heart, then threw it between a comically exaggerated bun. Sonic rolled into the ring once again, as Kain started hammering the buttons.
"C'mon, stand yer )*&^ up! See that, Sonic?! He's twitchin'! He's tryin' t' get up! Stop counting, you ratfink... gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Aggravated, Kain once again drank a beer, then took careful stock of what was left. Thirty... two left. That should last me quite a while. Quarters... check. Game... check. You're gettin' better at fightin', game. But Ah'll show you who th' TRUE Sega Master is.
The quarter dropped into the machine, and Kain readied himself. "Bring it," he urged.
Next Episode Preview: Hugh and Amy plan a wedding, Shir drags Rolf into her revenge on Rita, Anna and Rudo continue the Olympics of Idiocy, and Kain fights his way towards Honour and Gloury in video boxing, twenty-five Meseta at a time!
Rudo: Break out the Space Harrier mugs, this is a summer made for drinking at the beach!
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