Reviews of Phantasy Star IV: A Story Retold

Administrator Joined: Mar 23, '07 Posts: 4276

Hello,

This topic is for reviews of Phantasy Star IV: A Story Retold, the fan fiction by Kaloes. You may use this topic to let Kaloes know what you think of this story. When commenting on the story, try to go into detail about what you enjoyed or thought could be improved. Both praise and constructive criticism are encouraged. Please refrain from making non-constructive criticisms.

Please keep your comments in this thread on the subject of Phantasy Star IV: A Story Retold. If you would like to discuss another story, please do so in that story's review thread.

Thanks,
Thoul

Posted: Sat Jan 5, '08, 8:45 pm

This fic tells the story of Phantasy Star IV if Chaz had been struck by the black wave instead of Alys...

(Hey thoul can you go ahead and delete Phantasy Star IV The End Of The Millenium (Another Story), since the other one was a rough draft and this one is the real one lets take the other one off the boards ok. Thx)

Posted: Sun Jan 6, '08, 1:02 pm

Wow, talk about a leap over the rough draft, Kaleos! I mightily enjoy alternate ending/story things like this where you take one event, change it, and you have a whole new story. The only thing I saw that could really use improvement is a lot of missing commas and some other technical sort of things. If you don't have this already, maybe you should have someone else proofread your work before you post it to help you catch those stupid technical details.

But otherwise, it's pretty well-written, keep it up. :up:

All I need to know in life I learned from Earthbound
1. No matter how bad you're hurt, eat enough food and your wounds will heal.
Just be sure to use the right condiment.
2. A baseball bat is a better weapon than any sword.
3. If you have an egg, wait about three minutes for it to become a chicken you can sell for $110.
4. Stonehenge is actually an alien base.
5. Dinosaurs aren't really extinct, they just live underground.
6. The average teddy bear is an effective shield against all attacks, even death rays.
7. Viruses don't cause colds...robots and UFOs do.
8. Always check inside the trash cans along city streets, they may have some useful stuff!
9. Even in the middle of nowhere, SOMEONE will come buy your stuff if you put up a 'For Sale' sign.
10. Never, under any circumstances, follow pretty blond women into hotels.

Administrator Joined: Mar 23, '07 Posts: 4276

Wow, that is a great improvement to the draft. It was so engrossing that I didn't notice any technical errors. If you continue on this track, you could easily have one of the best Phantasy Star fanfics.

Posted: Sun Jan 6, '08, 7:59 pm

I actually put more time into making this unlike I did with the rough draft..

Type Zero Alisa Pilot Joined: Jul 3, '07 Posts: 553

Wonderful work Trey. Love it. I agree 100% with Thoul. Putting it in the form of a Journal by Alys was a nice touch. Keep up the great work. :hyper:

Does anyone else find it ironic that, as your virtual character gains experience,
wealth and social stature;
Your reality character is losing the exact same things at the same rate?

"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villian."
-Harvey Dent (The Dark Knight)

Click here to see why I am proud to be Canadian!

Guardian Joined: Jul 10, '07 Posts: 261

A couple minor spelling tics here and there, but I like this story- I can't help but wonder just how it's going to go now that Alys and Hahn are party members instead of Chaz and Rika! Well done, Kaloes! ^_^x

"There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, and the sea's asleep, and the rivers dream. People made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere, there's danger. Somewhere, there's injustice. Somewhere else, the tea's getting too cold. Come on, Ace- we've got work to do!"

~The Seventh Doctor

Posted: Thu Jan 10, '08, 12:00 pm

Hmmm...chapter 2...well, Kaleos, this time, you much improved all the technical things as far as I could see. Still a few here and there, but not nearly as many as as in the first chapter. Keep up that improvement! I love the different party, and it's got me thinking if in this draft as the rough one, Demi will actually stay with the party instead of leave after Zio's done. If so....yay.

All I need to know in life I learned from Earthbound
1. No matter how bad you're hurt, eat enough food and your wounds will heal.
Just be sure to use the right condiment.
2. A baseball bat is a better weapon than any sword.
3. If you have an egg, wait about three minutes for it to become a chicken you can sell for $110.
4. Stonehenge is actually an alien base.
5. Dinosaurs aren't really extinct, they just live underground.
6. The average teddy bear is an effective shield against all attacks, even death rays.
7. Viruses don't cause colds...robots and UFOs do.
8. Always check inside the trash cans along city streets, they may have some useful stuff!
9. Even in the middle of nowhere, SOMEONE will come buy your stuff if you put up a 'For Sale' sign.
10. Never, under any circumstances, follow pretty blond women into hotels.

UFO! Sage Joined: May 3, '07 Posts: 1462

Welllll, I finally read through this (and I wanna look through other things if I have the time), and I am enjoying the story thus far! I agree with Caged Wolf about the technical aspects that should be looked over like when you mentioned that the group was exhausted from the previous battle -- Demi healed them with her medical power before the fight in the game, but it's up to you if you choose to have that small change. ^_^

Anyhow, keep up the good writing! I am looking forward to the next addition of this story; I have to say, this is one of the most creative ideas I've seen as far as PSIV fanfiction goes.